Junkard^brnms, 5 iets, 12 5 IV akard's Doom, - - 16 t K."'"?"'., ™ . "'/-i * 
uVears of ■Drunkard's Life 10 4 J Aaiit Dinah's Pledg-- • 6 S I Drunkard's Warning, « ^ 



No. XXVII. 

FRENCH'S STANDARD DRAMA 

EDITED BY EPES SARGENT. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 



PR 4161 
.B2 L6 
1860 


21 (Jlotnei^g, 


Copy 1 


IN FIYE- ACTS. 



BY DION. L. BOURCICAULTo 



WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARAC- 
TERS, COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEIV YORK: 

Samuel French &. Son, 

PUBLISHEES, 

122 NASSAU STREET. 



LONDON: 

Samuel French, 

PUBLISHEE, 

83 STR..A.3>TD. 



BOOKS KVEB-Sr AaLA-TETTR SSOXTLD JIAVE. 

iU^TEUB'S GUIDE ; or, How to a«t op Home TheatrioHs and to Aot ir Tbem, wltb Boles, d' 

^m. Selected Scenes, Plays and other osefnJ Inrormation for Amateur SocieUes. Price 26 ctfli 

eUIBB TO THB STAGE. 16 cents. ART OP ACTING. 16 cents. 



Price 1 S Cents eacli.— Bound Volumes $1. 26. 



VOL. I. 

1 Ion 

2 Fario 

8 The Lady of Lyoni 
i Bichelien * 

5 The Wife 

6 The Honeymoon 
T The School for Scandal 

8 Money 

YOL. II. 

9 The Stranger 

10 Grandfather Whitehead 

11 Richard III 

12 Love's Sacrifice 
IS The Gamester 
U A Cure for the Heartache 

15 The Hunchback 

16 Don Caesar de Bazan 

VOL. III. 

17 The Poor Oentleman 

18 Hamlet 

19 Charles II 

20 Venice Preferred 
ai Pirarro 

22 The Love Chaie 

23 Othello 
2* Lend me five Shilllngi 

VOL. IV. 
as Virginius 
K6 King of the Common! 

27 London Assurance 

28 The Rent Day 

29 T wo G entlemen ofVerona 
BO The Jealous Wife 
SI The Rivals 
Sa PerfeoUon 

VOL. V. [Debts 
B3 A New Way to Pay Old 
S4 r<ook Before You Leap 
35 Kiag John 
J6 Vsrvous Man 
57 Damon and Pythla* 
J8 Clandestine Marriage 
59 William Tell 

10 Day after the Wedding 

VOL. VI. 

11 Speed the Plough 
L2 Romeo and Juliet 

13 Feudal Times 

14 Charles the Twelfth 
^ The Bridal 

16 Tte Follies of a Night 

17 Iron Chest [Pair Lady 

18 Faint Heart Never Won 

VOL. vn 

,9 Koad to Ruin 

Macbeth 

■J Temper 

2 Eradne 

i3 Bertram 

4 The Duenna 

>5 Much Ado About Nothing 

6 The Critic 

VOL. VIII. 

7 The Apostat-e 

8 Twelfth Night 

9 Brutus 

Simpson & Co 

1 Merchant of Venice 

2 Old Heads& Young Hwirts 

3 Mountaineers Iriage 

4 Three Weeks after Mar- 

VOL. IX. 

5 Love 
S As You Like It 

7 The Klder Brother 

8 Werner 
SQisippus 

Town and Country 

1 King Lear 

2 Blue Devils 

VOL. X. 

3 Henry VIII 

4 Married and Singl* 

5 Henry IV 

6 Paul Pry 

7 Guy Maunering 

8 Sweethearts and Wives 

9 Serious Family 
She Stoops to Conquer 



VOL. XI. 

81 Julius Caesar 

82 Vicar of Wakefield 

83 Leap Year 

84 The Catspaw 

85 The Passing Cloud 

86 Drunkard 

87 Rob Rov 

88 George 'Barnwell 
VOL. XII. 

89 Ingomar 

90 Sketches in India 

91 Two Friends 

92 Jane Shore 

93 Corslcan Brothers 

94 Mind your own Business 

95 Writing on the Wall 

96 Heir at Law 
VOL. XIII. 

97 Soldiers Daughter 

98 Douglas 

99 Marco Spada 

100 Nature's Nobleman 

101 SardanapaluB 

102 Civilization 

103 The Robbers 

104 Katharine and Petruchio 
VOL. XIV. 

105 Game of Love 

106 Midsummer Night's 
lOT Ernestine [Dream 
108 Rag Picker of Paris * 
' "Plying Dutchman 

110 Hypocrite 

111 Theresa 

112 La Tour de Nesle 
VOL. XV. 

113 Ireland As It Is 

114 Sea of Ice 

115 Seven Clerks 

116 Game of Life 

117 Forty Thieves 

118 Bryan Boroihme 

119 Romance and Reality 

120 Ugolino 
VOL. XVL 

121 The Tempest 

122 The Pilot 

123 Carpenter of Rouen 

124 Kings Rival 

125 Little Treasure 
r26 Dombey and Son 

127 Parents and Guardians 

128 Jewess 
VOL. XVII 

129 Camille 

130 Married Life 

131 Wenlock of Wenlock 

132 Rose of Ettrickvale 

133 David Copperfleld 

134 Aline, or the Rose of 

135 Pauline [Killarney 

136 Jane Eyre 
VOL. XVIIL 

137 Night and Morning 

138 .aEthiop 

139 Three Guardsmen 

140 Tom Cringle 

141 Henriette, the Forsaken 

142 Eustache Baudin 

143 Ernest Maltravers 

144 Bold Dragoons 
VOL. XIX. 

145 Dred, or the Dismal 
[Swamp 

146 Last Days of Pompeii 

147 Esmeralda 

148 Peter Wilkins 

149 Ben the Boatswain 

150 Jonathan Bradford 

151 Retribution 
, 152 Minerali 
>r VOL. XX. 

158 PreDch Spy 
134 Wept of Wish-ton Wish 

155 Evil Genius 

156 Ben Bolt 

157 Sailor of Francs 
1158 Red Mask 

159 Life of an Actress 
|160 Wedding Day 



[Moscow 



VOL. XXI. 

161 All's Fail in Love 

162 Hofer 

163 Self 

164 Cinderella 

165 Phantom 

166 Franklin 

167 The Gunmaker of 
163 The Love of a Prince 

VOL. xxn. 

169 Son of the Night 
nORory O'More 

171 Golden Eagle 

172 Rienzi 

173 Broken Sword 

174 Rip Van Winkle 

175 Isabella 

176 Heart of Mid Lothian 
VOL. XXIII. 

177 Actress of Padua 

178 Floating Beacon 

179 Bride of Lamermoor 

180 Cataract of the Ganges 

181 Robber of the Rhino 

182 School of Reform 

183 Wandering Boys 

184 Mazeppa 
VOL. XXIV. 

185 Young New York 
*~" The Victims 
187 Romance after Marriage 
183 Brigand 
139 Poor of New York 

190 Ambrose Gwinett 

191 Raymond and Agnes 

192 Gambler's Fate 
VOL. XXV. 

193 Father and Son 

194 MassanieUo 

195 Sixteen String Jack 

196 Youthful Queen 

197 Skeleton Witness 

198 Innkeeper of Abbeville 

199 Miller and his Men 

200 Aladdin 
VOL. XXVI. 

7.01 Adrienne the Actress 

202 Undine 

203 Jessie Brown 

204 Asmodeus 

205 Mormons 

206 Blanche of Brandywine 

207 Viola 

208 Deseret Deserted 
VOL. X.XVII. 

209 Americans in Paris 

210 Victorine 

211 Wizard of the Wave ' 

212 Castle Spectre 

213 Horse-shoe Robinson 

214 Armand, Mrs Mowatt 

215 Fashion, Mrs Mowatt 
16 Glance at New York 

VOL. XXVIU. 

217 Inconstant 

218 Uncle Tom's Cabin 

219 Guide to the Stage 

220 Veteran 

221 Miller of New Jersey 

222 Dark Hour before Dawn 

223 Midsum'r Night's Dream 
[Laura Keene's Editi 

224 Art and Artifice 
VOL. XXIX 

225 Poor Young Man 

226 Osf awattomie Brown 

227 Pope of Rome 
28 Oliver Twist 

229 Pauvrette 

230 Man in the Iron Mask 

231 Knight of Arva 
282 Moll Pitcher > 

VOL. XXX. 

233 Black Eyed Susan 

234 Satan in Paris 

235 Rosina Meadows [ess 

236 West End, or Irish Heir- 

237 Six Degrees of Crime 
IS8 The Laoy and the Devil 

239 Avenger.or Moor of Sici- 

240 Masks and Faces [ly 



(Catalogue continued on third pa^e of cover.) 



VOL. XXXI. 

241 Merry Wivee of Windsor 

242 Mary's Birthday 

243 Shandv Maguire 

244 Wild Oats 

245 Michael Erie 

246 Idiot Witness 

247 Willow Copse 

248 People's Lawyer 
VOL. XXXII. 

249 The Boy Martyrs 

250 Lucretia Borgia 

251 S-Jrgeon of Paris 

262 Patrician's Daughter 

253 Shoemaker of Toulouse 

254 Momentous Question 

255 Love and Loyalty 

256 Robber's Wife 
VOL. XXXUL 

25T Dumb Girl of Genoa 
258 Wreck Ashore 
269 Clari 

Rural Felicity 
261 Wallace 
62 Madelaine 

263 The Fireman 

264 Grist to the MiU 
VOL. XXXIV. 

265 Two Loves and a Life 

266 Annie Blake 

267 Steward 

268 Captain Kyd 

269 Nick of the Woods 

270 Marble Heart 

271 Second Love 

272 Dream at Sea 
VOL. XXXV. 

273 Breach of Promise 

274 Review 
276 Lady of the Lake 
276 Still Water Runs Deep 
377 The Scholar 

278 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 

280 Last Man 
VOL. XXXVI. 

'281 Belle's Strat*»jem 
282 Old and Young 
|2.S3 Ratfaella 
2S4 Ruth Oakley 

285 British Slave 

286 A Ljfe's Ransom 

287 Giralda 

288 Time Tries All 
VOL. XXXVII. 

289 Ella Rosenburg 

290 Warlock of the Glen 
231 Zelina 

292 Beatrice 

293 Neighbor Jaokwood 

294 Wonder 

295 Robert Emmet 
Green Bushes 

VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 Flowers of the Forest 
93 A Bachelor of Arts 
99 The Midnight Banquet 

800 Husband of an Hour 

301 Love's Labor Lost 

302 Naiad Queen 

303 Caprice 

304 Cradle of Liberty 
VOL. XXXIX. 

305 The Lost Ship 

306 Countrv Sqnire 

307 Fraud and its VlcUms 

308 Putnam 

309 King and Deserter 

310 La Fiammlna 

311 A Hard Sf.-uggle 

312 Gwinnetf Vaughas 
VOL. XL. 

313 The Love Knot [Judge 

314 Lavater, or Not a Bad 

315 The Noble Heart 
3l6Coriolanus 
317 The Winter's Tale 
3l8Eveleen Wilson 
319 Ivanhoe 

Jonathan in En^and 



No. XXVII, 
P'RENGH'S STANDARD DRAMA 



LCNDOiN ASSUKANCE. 

3, (Eomclig 

IN K I V c V c r s. 
BY DION. L/. bo Urfc IC a U LT. 

Vi TH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHAllACTEaS 7C» 

TUMES. RELATIVE POSITIONS, &c. 

M FKRFfR»Ei> AT THK I'ARX THEAT&e- 



NEW YORK.: 
SAMUEL FRENCH, P U P> L I S Tl E R 

122 Nassau SniKKr, (Ui' Si'AiH.s.i 



n 



f^ 






CAST OF CHARACTe*f§: 

Cotjent Gardew, 18-11. Park, 1641 

Str Uarcowt Courtly Mr W r;.rro« ir »i . 

^"w2"t*,= - ■■■■■■ '■^^r- ";.-''l?s,t 

Sr^^n^;,";"'.::::;:;::::;;::: :: ttzr " ^",r"'' 

Jja^^le iveeicy. «' Williams. 

^»^.^»-r^.;;y:::;;;::::::::::::::: :: SiiSi :: i?^^*"- 

Crr«« //arA««,«y 3,„j„„,^ V^^^^j^ 3,.^^ Clarendon 

Mrs. Humby. Mrs. Voruon 



COSTUMES. 

fov h^-TW /r '^RrS^'""'^ '■'■''•^'^ '^^^^^ ^=^'^*^'- pantaloons, doak, a^C 
BI ^X hIrr AWAV T T "^ '""'' P«"^^»«°"-^' ^hite vest, and black s'tock 
B1A\ H ARK AWAY. -Firgt dress: Brown surtout coat, white vest, black trow 

.^e,s.gauers.and walkin^-stick.-5eco«ddr.«; Black dress suit 
DAZZLE.-F*r*irfreM; Green coat, drab gaiter pants, silk vest.— 5£c<md rfrcM 

aii'd ItiT ^^^--'-^'-'^ ^--•- BJ- dW co'at, vdvet vest, li^tt TTue panfN 

CHARLES CGURTLY.-First dress: Green coat, light pj^iter pants and cloak 
.,7^'^Z "' «'•««'" c««t.-TA«>drfre«: Fashi'onabic bfack s'lit ""'^ •='°"^- 
WhUDLE.— Brown coat, white vest, dark pantaloons 

^^«l^-^m:;ru^j"' '^''"V ",''"' '^"''»' ''.''•■fc vest, chequered pantaloons.- S.c^, 
uress. HIack dress coat and pants, white vest. •^c^i-.r.*" 

*^ B^JciTScoT'' ^'^"'" '"^'' ''*'"' '''^^'' ""'^ ''''"='' ^''"'-•'- P=^"t«-^/»>«/ '/rew 
SERVAXTS.-Liv..ry. 

^^dnl^d.-Lr^'"'''^^""^'''" '^''""•' ^'''^'""" l>al.it.-.W«rf ./.«,: FasLionaW 

GRACE HARKAW AY. -First dress: Fasl.i,tnab!e n.orning dress.- .Secon.Ur««« 
Handsome dinner dress. * »rrm 

The Scene lies in London and Gloucestershire in ISil.— Time, Three Jcy$. 



AUTHORS DEDICATION. 



TO 

CHARLES KEMBLE 
THIS comj:dy, 

(with his kind rEKMIS9ION,> 

IS dedicatp:d 

ir HIS FERVENT ADMIRER AND IIUMBIE SERVANT, 

DION. L. BOURCICAULT 

By Exchenf:!© 
* .Arlfiy and NavyOluiab 

'^' JANUARY 16 1934 



EDIT o- RIAL iNTKOLUCTION 

Tins play may be set down as belonging to wliat a celebrated 
critic has called " the shabby-genteel school of comedy." Its 
success was at first accounted for by the unprecedented display 
of upholstery furniture, which attended its production both on 
the Covent Garden and the Park boards. The " properties" of 
the piece, including chairs, curtains, and divans, were of an un- 
usually splendid description ; added to all which, a Brussels car- 
pet for the drawing-room scenes was no inconsiderable item in 
the novelties it presented. We fear that but for these external 
accompaniments, the play would not have had the run it experi 
enced in this country. 

And yet, it has its merits — such as tney are. The French 
dramatic rule of condensing the incidents of every separate act 
into a single scene, is skillully and ingeniously carried out. The 
character of Dazzle is a truthful and legitimate picture, to 
which, we doubt not, more than one original may be found among 
the chevaliers of European cities. The plot of the play is mea- 
gre, and wanting in interest, but sustained by a certain vivacity 
of tone and " smartness" of allusion, which renders the comedy 
amusing in the reading as well as in the representation. The 
business of the scene is rarely suffered to flag ; and mu( h tact is 
shown in the grouping of the characters. But when we have 
said thus much in its commendation, we cannot add more except 
what many will probably regard as the most emphatic praise 
we could offer, namely, the undisputed fact, that it has been one 
«f the most popular and attractive comedies of the day. 

A notable defect in the play, is the heartlessness and flii)pancy 
of its pervading tone. Max Harkaway, who is a mere repeti- 
rion of the fox-hunting country gentleman of innumerable come- 
dies, is the only individual of the dramatis personte who seems 
to have the most distant notion of a moral obligation or a gene- 
rona impulse It is not the absence of " noble sentiments," but 



!▼ EDITORIAI, IN'TROUCTION. 

of redeeming traits, to which we allude. The Courtlys, fathe! 
and son, arc weak, unprincipled libertines, the fool prevailing in 
one, and the scamp in the other. Lady Gay Spanker is a moD" 
strons, and, we trust, a wholly imaginary creation. No woma* 
of any pretensions to breeding or good sense, would treat a hus- 
band, were he even so much of an ass, in the manner she does. 
It is a libel upon decent society to suppose that it could tolerate 
such a creature. Grace Harkaway^ from the fustian put into 
her mouth, is apparently intended for a romantic simpleton — the 
author has certainly succeeded in making her a very uninterest- 
ing one. Meddle^ the lawyer, though a broad caricature, is a 
laughable one ; and as members of his profession aftbrd popular 
subjects for ridicule and abasement, the introduction of this part 
may have contributed materially to the favourable reception of 
the piece. 

In all these pretended portraitures of some of the constituents 
of respectable English society, we look in vain for anything like 
earnestness of character. Not an indication does any one give 
that he is conscious of the possession of a soul. All appear to be 
playing a part — striving to seem^ rather than to he. Emotion 18 
voted vulgar; and a show of sincerity is evidently regarded aa 
precluding the claims of the comedy to the title of fashionable. 
Such a play must always leave the heart unsatisfied, however 
it ma}' interest the fancy. The dramatists of the last age did not 
write in this manner. Even the " School for Scandal", dazzUng 
us as it does with unremitted scintillations of wit, that startle and 
delight the intellect, is not without its appeals to the better fa- 
culties of our nature. If we laugh at poor Sir Peter, he still 
occasionally claims our sympathy and respect. When Charles 
Surface refuses to sell his uncle's portrait, we experience a glow 
of satisfaction at the triumph of good and gi-ateful feeling over 
the importunities of selfishness and the temptations of gain. But 
in the present play, the darker sides of human character are ex- 
clusively presented ; and, on rising from the representation, we 
always feel, in spite of the elegant saloons and gilded furniture, 
that we have been in indifferently honest company. The climax 
of absurdity is reached, when the moralizing speech at the close 
on the quahties of a gentleman, is put into the lips of the old 
miscreant, who has just been disappointed in his design of run- 
ning away with another man's wife We have been told, how 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. ^ 

ever, that this speech was originally written for Max Harkaway . 
but that Farren. the actor, who played .Sir Har'^ourt, isisted that 
it should be transferred to him ; and the author, with the accom- 
modating spirit of Puff in " The Critic," acquiesced in the de- 
mand. 

*' London Assurance" was first produced the 4th March, 1841, 
at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden. It was brought out at 
the Park Theatre, New York, the 11th October ensuing, in 
quite a novel style of elegance, and ran an unusual number of 
nights. Mr. Placide, in his impersonation of Sir Harcourt, made 
what is technically termed a hit, and has been frequently called 
cpon to repeat the part. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 



ACT I. 



Scene I. — j4;j A?ite-Room in Sir Harcourt Courtly' s Iloust 
in Bel grave Square, 

Enter Cool, c. 

Cool, Half-past nine, and Mr. Charles has not yet return- 
ed. I am in a fever of dread. If his father happens to rise 
earlier than usual on any morning, he is sure to ask first 
for Mr. Charles. Poor deluded old gentleman — he little 
thinks ho\y he is deceived. 

Enter Martin, lazily, l. 

Well, Martin, he has not come home yet I 

Mar. No ; and I have not had a wink of sleep all night. 
— I cannot stand this any longer ; I shall give warning. 
This is the fifth night Mr. Courtly has remained out, and 
I'm obliged to stand at the hall window to watch for him. 

Cool. You know, if Sir Harcourt was aware that we 
connived at his son's irregularities, we should all be dis- 
charged. 

Islar, I have used up all my common excuses on his 
duns. — * Call again,' * Not at home,' and ' Send it down 
to you,* won't serve any more ; and Mr. Crust, the wine 
merchant, swears he will be paid. 

Cool. So they all say. AVhy, he has arrests out against 
him already. I've seen the fellows watching the door — 
\Ijoud knock and ring heard.] — There he is, just in time — 
quick, Martin, for I expect Sir William's bell every mo- 
ment — [Bell rings] — and there it is. [Exit Mart 171, slowly.] 
Thank heaven ! he will return to College to-morrow, and 
this heavy responsibility \^ill be taken off my shoulders. 
A valet is as difficult a post \o fill properly as rhf.t of prime 
milliliter. [ExU, l. 



8 LONDON ASSURANCE. jk.CT I 

Young a [ Wu/iout.] Hollo ! 
Dazzle. [Without.] Steady! 

Enter Young Courtly and Dazzle, l. . 

Ymmg C. Hollo-o-o ! 

Daz. Hush ! wliat are you about, howling like a Hot- 
teptot. Sit down there, and thank heaven you are in Bel 
grave square, instead of Bow street. 

Young C. D — n — damn Bow street. 

Daz. Oh, with all my heart ! — you have not seen aa 
much of it as 1 have. 

Young C. 1 say — let me see — what was I going to say 1 
— oh, look here — [Pulls out a large assortment of bell-jmllSf 
knockers, ftc, from his jwckct.] There ! dam^me ! I'll puz- 
zle the two-penny postman, — I'll deprive them of their 
right of disturbing the neighbourhood. That black Hot* ? 
head did belong to ohl Vampire, the money-lender ; t:.li 
bell-pull to Miss Stitch, the milliner. 

Daz. And this brass griffin 

Young C. That ! oh, let me see — I think I twisted thai 
off our own hall-door as I came in, while you were paying 
the cab. 

Daz. What shall I do with them 1 

Young C. Pack 'em in a small hamper, and send 'exK 
to the sitting magistrate with my father's compliments ; 
in the mean time, come into my room, and I'll astonifeh 
you with some Burgundy. 

Re-enter Cool, l. c. 

Cool, (r.) Mr. Charles 

Young C. Out ! out ! not at home to any one. 

Cool. And drunk 

Young C As a lord. 

Cool. If Sir Harcourt knew this, he would go mad, he 
would discharge me. 

Young C. You flatter yourself: that would be no proof 
of his insanity. — [To Dazzle.] This is Cool, sir, Mr. Cool : 
he is the best liar in London — there is a pungency about 
his invention, and an originality in his equivocation, that ia 
perfectly refreshing. 

Cool. [Aside.] Why, Mr, Charles, where did you pick 
nim up' 

Ym<yig C. You mistake, he picked me up. [Bell ringi 



tatva f J 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 9 



Cool. Here comes Sir Harcourt — pray do not let him see 
you in this state. 

Young C. State ! what do you mean 1 1 am in a beau- 
tiful state. 

Cool. I sliDuld lose my character. 

Young C. That would be a fortunate epoch in your life 
Cool. 

Cool. Your father would discharge me. 

Young C. Cool, my dad is an old ass. 

Cool. Retire to your own room, for heaven's sake, Mr. 
Charles. 

Young C. I'll do so for my own sake. [To Dazzle.] I 
say, old fellow, [Staggering,] just hold the door steady 
while I go in. 

Daz. This way. Now, then ! — take care ! 

[Helps him into the room, R. 

Enter Sir Hakcoiirt Courtly, l. c, in an elegant dressing' 
gown, and Greek scull-cap and tassels, Sfc. 

Sir H. Cool, is breakfast ready % 

Cool. Quite ready, Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Apropos. I omitted to mention that I expect 
Squire Harkaway to join us this morning, and you must 
prepare for my departure to Oak Hall immediately. 

Cool. Leave town in the middle of the season. Sir Har- 
court % So unprecedented a proceeding ! 

Sir H. It is ! I confess it ; there is but one powe^ 
could effect such a miracle — that is divinity. 

Cool. How ! 

Sir H. In female form, of course. Cool, I am about 
to present society with a second Lady Courtly ; young — 
blushing eighteen ; lovely! I have her portrait ; rich! I 
have her banker's account ; — an heiress, and a Venus ! 

Cool. Lady Courtly could be none other. 

Sir H. Ha ! ha ! Cool, your manners are above your 
station. — Apropos, I shall find no further use for my bro- 
cade dressing-gown. 

Cool. I thank you. Sir Harcourt; might I ask who tho 
fortunate lady is. 

Sir H. Certainly : Miss Grace Harkaway, the niece of 
»y old friend, Max, 

Cool. Have you nevei seen the lady, sir 1 



iO LONDON ASSURANCE. [ACT 2 

Sir II. Never — that is, yes — eight years ago. Having 
been, as you know, on the continent for the last seven 
years, I have not had the opportunity of paying my devoirs, 
Our connexion and betrothal was a very extraordinary one 
Her father's estates were contig jous to mine ; — being a 
renarious, miserly, ugly old scoundrel, he made a market 
i my indiscretion, and supplied my extravagance with 
ATge sums of money on mortgages, his great desire being 
u> unite the two properties. About seven years ago, he 
(lied — leaving Grace, a girl, to the guardianship of her 
uncle, with this will : — if, on attaining the age of nineteen, 
she would consent to marry me, I should receive those 
deeds, and all his property, as her dowry. If she refused 
to comply with this condition, they should revert to my 
heir-presuraptive or apparent. — She consent?. 

Cool. Who would not 1 

Sir H. I consent to receive her 15,000Z. a-year. [Crosses 

Cool. Who would not ? to l. 

Sir H. So prepare. Cool, prepare ; — but where is my 
boy, where is Charles 1 

Cool. Why — oh, he is gone out, Sir Harcourt ; yes, 
gone out to take a walk. 

Sir H. Poor child ! A perfect child in heart — a sober, 
placid mind — the simplicity and verdure of boyhood, kept 
fresh and unsullied by any contact with society. Tell me. 
Cool, at what time was he in bed last night 1 

Cool. Half-past nine. Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Half-past nine ! Beautiful ! What an original 
idea ! Reposing in cherub slumbers, while all around him 
teems with drinking and debauchery 1 Primitive sweet- 
ness of nature ! no pilot-coated, bear-skinned brawling! 

Cool. Oh, Sir Harcourt ! 

Sir H. No cigar-smoking- 

Cool. Faints at the smell of one. 

Sir H. No brandy and water bibbing 

Cool. Doesn't know the taste of anything stronger than 
barley-water. 

Sir H. No night parading; — 

Cool. Never heard the clock strike twelve, except at noon. 

Sir H. In fact, he is my son, and became a gentleman 
by right of paternity — he inherited my manners. 

Enter Martin, l. 
Mar. Mr. Haikaway. 



ICxiTEl. LONDON ASSURANCE. 



Enter Max Harkaway, l. 

Max. Squire Harkaway, fellcvv. or Max Harkaway, an» 
other time. [Mar. bows and exit.] Ah! Ha! Sir Har court, 
I'm devilish glad to see yon ! Gi' me your fist — Dang it, 
but I'm glad to see you ! Let me see : six — seven years, 
or more, since we have met. How quickly they have flown! 

8ir H. [throunng off his studied vianncr.] Max, Max I 
give me your hand, old boy. — [ J^/tfc.J Ah ! he is glad to 
see me : there is no fawning pretence about that squeeze. 
Cool, you may retire. [Exit Cooly r. c. 

Max. Why, you are looking quite rosy. 

Sir H. Ah ! ah ! rosy ! Am I too florid ] 

Max, Not a bit ; not a bit. 

Sir H. I thought so. — [Aside.\ Cool said I had put too 
much on. 

Max. How comes it. Courtly, you manage to retain 
your youth ] See, Tm as grey as an old badger, or a wild 
rabbit ; while you are — are as black as a young rook. I 
say, whose head grew your hair, eh ? 

Sir H. Permit me to remark, that all the beauties of 
my person are of home manufacture. Why should you be 
surprised at my youth ] I have scarcely thrown off* the gid- 
diness of a very boy — elasticity of limb — buoyancy of soul ! 
Remark this position — [throivs himself into an attitude] I 
held that attitude for ten minutes at Lady Acid's last reu- 
nion^ at the express desire of one of our first sculptors, 
while he was making a sketch of me for the Apollo. 

Max. [aside.] Making a butt of thee for their gibes. 

Sir H. Lady Sarah Sarcasm started up, and, pointing 
to my face, ejaculated, * Good gracious ! does not Sir Har- 
court remind you of the countenance of Ajax, in the Pom- 
peian portrait V 

Max. Ajax! — humbug! 

Sir H. You are complimentary. 

Max. I'm a plain man, and always speak my mind. 
What's in a face or figure 1 Does a Grecian nose entail a 
good temper ] Does a waspish waist indicate a good 
heai t ? Or, do oily perfumed locks necessarily thatch a 
well furnished brain? 

Sir H. It's an undeniable fact, — -plain pec pie always 
praise tho beauties of the mind. 



12 LONDON ASSURANCE. 



[Ac* 



^lax. Excuse the insinuation : I had thought the first 
Lady Courtly had surfeited you with beauty. 

Sir H. No : she lived fourteen months with me, and 
then eloped with an intimate friend. Etiquette compelled 
me to challenge the seducer; so I received satisfaction — 
and a bullet in my shoulder at the same time. However, 
I had the consolation of knowing that he was the hand- 
somest man of the age. She did not insult me, by running 
away with a damned ill locking scoundrel. 

Jiax. That, certainly, was flattering. 

Sir II. I felt so, as I pocketed the ten thousand pounds 
damages. 

Max. That must have been a great balm to your sore 
honour. 

Sir H. It was — Max, my honour would have died with 
out it ; for on that year the wrong horse won the Derby — 
by some mistake. It was one of the luckiest chances — 
a thing that does not happen twice in a man's life — the op- 
gortunity of getting rid of his wife and his debts at th© 
same time. 

Max. Tell the truth, Courtly — Did you not feel a little 
frayed in your delicacy — your honour, now '{ Eh 1 

Sir II. Not a whit. Why should II I married money ^ 
and I received it — virgin gold ! My delicacy and honour 
had nothing to do with it. The world pities the bereaved 
husband, when it should congratulate. No : the affair 
made a sensation, and I was the object. Besides, it is vul- 
gar to make a parade of one's feelings, however acute they 
may be : impenetrability of countenance is the sure sign 
of your highly-bred man of fashion. 

Max. So a man must, therefore, lose his wife and his 
money with a smile — in fact, every thing he possesses but 
his temper. 

Sir H. Exactly ; and greet ruin with vive la bagatelle f 
For example ; your modish beauty never discomposes the 
shape of her features with convulsive laughter. A smile 
•awards the hon mot^ and also shows the whiteness of hex 
•eeth. She never weeps impromptu — tears migkt destroy 
ihe economy of her cheek. Scenes are vulgar, hysterics ob- 
.^jlete ; she exliibits a calm, placid, impenetrable lake, 
Wtiose surface is reflection, but of unfathomable depth — a 
•tatue, whose life is hypothetical, and not xi'prima facie fact 



iCElfX T.J 



LONDON ASSURANCE 13 



Max. Well, gi ve me the girl that will fly at your eyes 
in an argument, and stick to her point like a fox to his 
own tail. 

Sir 11. But etiquette, Max ! remember etiquette ! 

Max. Damn etiquette ! 1 have seen a man who thought 
it sacrilege to eat fish with a knife, that would not scruple 
to rise up and rob his brother of his birth-right in a gam- 
bling-house. Your thorough-bred, well-blooded heart, will 
seldom kick over the traces of good feeling. That's my 
opinion, and I don't care who knows it. 
• Sir H. Pardon me — etiquette is the pulse of society, by 
regulating which the body politic is retained in health. 1 
consider myself one of the faculty in the art. 

3Iax. Well, well ; you are a living libel upon common 
sense, for you are old enough to kn#w better. 

Sir H. Old enough ! What do you mean 1 Old ! I 
still retain all my little juvenile indiscretions, which your 
niece's beauties must teach me to discard. I have not 
sown my wild oats yet. 

Max. Time you did, at sixty-three. 

Sir H. Sixty-three ! Good Heavens !~forty, 'pon my 
life ! forty, next March. 

Max. Why, you are older than I am. 

Sir H. Oh ! you are old enough to be ray father. 

Max. Well, if I am, I am ; that's etiquette, 1 suppose. 
Poor Grace ! how often I have pitied her fate ! That a 
young and beautiful creature should be driven into wret- 
ched splendour, or miserable poverty ! 

Sir H. Wretched ! wherefore 1 Lady Courtly wretch- 
ed ! Impossible 1 

Max. Will she not be compelled to marry you, whether 
she likes you or not ] — a choice between you and poverty. 
[Aside.\ And hang me if it isn't a tie ! But why do you 
not introduce your son Charles to me ] I have not seen 
him since he was a child. You would never permit him 
to accept any of my invitations to spend his vacation at 
Oak Hall, — of course, we shall have the pleasure cf his 
company now. 

Sir H. He is not fit to enter socie.y yet. He is a stu 
dijus, sober boy. 

Max. Boy ! Why, he's five-and-twenty. 

Sir H. Good gracious ! Max, — you will permit me to 
know my own son's age,- -he is not twenty 



I4 LONDON A5SUKANCE. £Act 1 

Max. x'm dumb. 

Sir II, You will excuse me while I indulge in the pio« 
cess of dressing. Cool ! 

Enter Cool, r. 

Prej are my toilet. [Exit Cool, l.] That is a ceremony 
which, with me, supersedes all others. I consider it a du 
ty which every gentleman owes to society, to render him- 
self as agreeable an object as possible : and the least com- 
pliment a mortal can pay to nature, when she honours him 
by bestowing extra care in the manufacture of his person,, 
is to display her taste to the best possible advantage ; and 
so, au rcvoir. [Exit, l. c. 

Max. That's a good soul — he has his faults, and who 
has not 1 Forty years of age ! Oh, monstrous ! — but ho 
does look uncommonly young for sixty, spite of his foreign 
locks and complexion. 

Enter Dazzle, r. 

Daz. Who's my friend with the stick and gaiters, I won- 
der — one of the family — the governor, may be \ 

Max. Who's this '] Oh, Charles — is that you, my boy ] 
How are you 1 [Aside.^ This is the hoy. 

Daz. He knows me — he is too respectable for a bailiff. 
[Aloud.] How are you ] 

Max. Your father has just left me. 

Daz. [Aside] The devil he has ! He has been dead 
these ten years. Oh ! I see, he thinks I'm young Courtly. 
[jlhud.] The honour you would confer upon me, I must 
unwillingly disclaim, — I am not Mr. Courtly. 

Max. I beg pardon — a friend, I suppose"? 

Daz. Oh, a most intimate friend — a friend of years — 
distantly related to the family — one of my ancestors mar 
ried one of his. [Aside] Adam and Eve. 

Max. Are you on a visit here % 

Daz. Yes. Oh ! yes. [^5i<Z<?.] Rather a short one, I'm 
afraid. 

Max. [Aside.] This appears a dashing kind of fellow — 
as he is a friend of Sir Harcourt's, I'll invite him to the 
wedding. [Aloud.] Sir, if you are not otherwise engaged, 
^ shall feel honoured .)y your company at my house, Oalf 
Hall -rlouccstershire 



8gj.„ 1 J I.ONDON ASSURANCE 15 

Daz. Your name is 

3Iax. Harkaway — Max Harkaway. 

Daz. Harkaway — let me see — I ought to be related to 
llje Harkavvays, somehow. 

3fax. A wedding is about to come off — will you take a 
part on the occasion ] 

Daz, With pleasure ! any part but that of the husband 

Max. Have you any previous engagement 1 

Daz. I was thinking — eh ! why, let me see. [Aside.\ 
Promised to meet my tailor and his account to-morrow 
however, I'll postpone that. [Aloud.] Have you good shoot- 

Max. Shooting ! Why, there's no shooting at this time 
of the year. 

Daz. Oh ! I'm in no hurry — I can wait till the season, 
of course. I was only speaking precautionally — you have 
good shooting 1 

Max. The best in the country. 

Daz. Make yourself comfortable ! — Say no more — I'm 
your man — wait till you see how I'll murder your pre- 
serves. 

Max. Do you hunt 1 

Daz. Pardon me — but will you repeat that 1 [Aside] 
Delicious and expensive idea ! 

Max. You ride ] 

Daz. Anything ! Everything ! From a blood to a 
broomstick. Only catch me a flash of lightning, and let 
me get on the back of it, and dam'me if I would'nt astonish 
the elements. 

Max. Ha! ha! 

Daz. Pd put a girdle round about the earth in very con- 
siderably less than forty minutes. 

Max. Ah ! ha ! We'll show old Fiddlestrings how to 
epend the day. He imagines that Nature, at the earnest 
request of Fashion, made summer days long for him to 
saunter in the Park, and winter nights, that he might have 
good time to get cleared out at hazard or at whist. Give 
me the yelping of a pack of hounds, before the shuffling of 
Q pack of cards. Wliat state can match the chase in full 
cry, each vying with his fellow which shall be most hap- 
py ? A thousand deaths fly by unheeded in that one hour*« 
life of ecstacy. Time is outrun, and Nature seems to 
grudge Dur bliss "^y making the day so short. 



16 LONDON ASSURANCE. £Ac» i 

Daz. No, for thei rises up the idol of my great adora* 
tion. 

Max. Who's that t 

Daz The bottle — that lends a lustre to the soul ! — 
When the world puts on its night-cap, and extinguishes 
the sun — then comes the bottle ! Oh, mighty wine ! don'l 
ask me to apostrophise. Wine and love are the only two 
indescribable things in nature ; but I prefer the wine, be 
cause its consequences are not entailed, and are more ea 
sily got rid of. 

Max. How so ] 

Daz. Love ends in matrimony, wine in soda water. 

Max. Well, I can promise you as fine a bottle as ever 
was cracked. 

Daz. Never mind the bottle, give me the wine. Say 
no more; but, when I arrive, just shake one of my hands, 
and put the key of the cellar into the other, and if I don't 
make myself intimately acquainted with its internal orga- 
nization — well, I say nothing — time will show. 

Max. I foresee some happy days. 

Daz. And I some glorious nights. 

Max. It mustn't be a flying visit. 

Daz. I despise the word — I'll stop a month with you. 

Max. Or a year or two. 

Daz. I'll live and die with you ! 

Max. Ha ! ha ! Remember Max Harkaway, Oak Hall, 
Gloucestershire. 

Daz. I'll remember — fare ye well. [Max is goi7ig.'\ 1 
say, holloa ! — Tallyho-o-o-o ! 

Max. Yoicks ! — Tallyhoa-o-o-o ! [Exity l. 

Daz. There I am — quartered for a couple of years, at 
the least. The old boy wants somebody to ride his horses, 
shoot his game, and keep a restraint on the morals of the 
parish : I'm eligible. What a lucky accident to meet 
Toung Courtly last night ! Who could have thought it 1 
Yesterday, I could not make certain of a dinner, except at 
my own proper peril ; to-day, 1 would flirt with a banquet. 

Enter Young Courtly, r. 

Young G. What infernal row was that] Why, \sccing 
Dazzhj] are you here still 1 

Daz. Yes. Ain't you delighted ? I'll ring, and send 
tba servant for my luggage. 



SCESEI.J LONDON ASSURANCE. 11 

Young C. The devil you will ! Why, you ion't mean 
to say you seriously intend to take up a permanent resi- 
dence here 1 [Rings the hell. 

Daz. Now, that's a most inhospitable insinuation. 

Young C. Might I ask your name 1 

Daz. With a deal of .pleasure — Richard Dazzle, late 
of the Unattached Volunteers, vulgarly entitled the Dirty 
Buffs. 

Enter IMaktin, r. 

Young C. Then, Mr. Richard Dazzle, I have the honor 
of wishing you a very good morning. Martin, show this 
gentleman the door. 

Daz. If he does, I'll kick Martin out of it. No offence. 
[Exit Martin, l.] Now, sir, permit me to place a dioramic 
view of your conduct before you. After bringing you 
safely home this morning — after indulgently waiting, when- 
ever you took a passing fancy to a knocker or bell-pull — 
after conducting a retreat that would have reflected honor 
on Napoleon — you would kick me into the street, like a 
mangy cur; and that's what you call gratitude. Now, to 
show you how superior I am to petty malice, I give you 
an unlimited invitation to my liouse — my country house — 
to remain as long as you please. 

Young C. Your house ! 

Daz. Oak Hall, Gloucestershire, — fine old place ! — foi 
further particulars see road book — that is, it nominally be- 
longs to my old friend and relation. Max Harkaway ; but 
I'm privileged. Capital old fellow — say, shall we be ho- 
noured 1 

Young C. Sir, permit me to hesitate a moment. [Aside] 
Let me see : I go back to ColleG:e to-morrow, so I shall 
not be missing; tradesmen begin to dun— 

Enter Cool, r. 

I hear thunder ; here i^ shelter ready for me. 

Cool. Oh, Mr. Charles, Mr. Solomon Isaacs is in the 
hall, and swears he will remain till he has arrested you ! 

Young C. Does he ! — sorry he is so obstinate — take hina 
Bay compliments, and I will bet him five to one he will not. 

Daz. Double or quits, with my kind re gards. • 

Cool But, sir, he has discovered the house in Curzoii 



18 LONDON ASSURANCE. £AW 1 

Street ; lie says he is aware the furniture, at least belongf 
to you, and he will put a man in immediately. 

Young C. That's awkward — what's to be done S 

Daz. Ask him whether he couldn't make it a woman. 

Young C. I must trust that to fate. 

Daz. I will give you ray acceptance, if it will be of any 
use to you — it is of n^ne to me. 

Young C. No, sir ; but in reply to your most generous 
and kind invitation, if you be in earnest, I shall feel de- 
lighted to accept it. 

Daz. Certainly. 

Young C. Then off we go — through the stables — down 
the Mews, and so slip through my friend's fingers. 

Daz. But, stay, you must do the polite : say farewell to 
him before you part. Damn it, don't cut him ! 

Young C. You jest ! 

Daz. Here, lend me a card. [Courtly gives him one. \ 
Now, then, [writes:] ' Our respects to Mr. Isaacs — sorry to 
have heen prevented from seeing liim.^ Ha ! ha ! 

Young C. Ha ! ha ! 

Daz. We'll send him up some game. 

Young C. [To Cool.] Don't let my father see nim. 

[Exeunt Young C. and Daz., n. 

Cool. What's this 1 ♦ Mr. Charles Courtly, P.P.C., re- 
turns thanks for obliging inquiries.^ [Exit, l. 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 

Scene I. — The Lawn bejore Oak Hall, a. fine Elizabethan 
mansion ; a Dratoing-Room is seen through large French 
windows at the back. Statues, urns, and garden chairs 
about the stage. 

Enter Pert and James, l. 

Pert. James, Miss Grace desires me to request thatyow 
wvill watch at the avenue, and let her know "vhen the squire'i 
♦'virriage 's seen on the London road. 



•CBIfEl.] LONDON ASSUIIANCE. 19 

James. I will go to the lotJge. ^ [Exit h. 

Pert. How I do long to see what kind of a man Sir 
^-larcourt Courtly is ! They say he is sixty ; so he must 
be old, and consequently ugly. If I was Miss Grace, I 
would rather give up all my fortune and marry the man I 
liked, than go to church with a stuffed eel-skin. But tasto 
is everything, — she doesn't seem to care whether he is sixty 
or sixteen ; jokes at love ; prepares for matrimony as she 
would for dinner ; says it is a necessary evil, and what can't 
be cured must be endured. Now, I say this is against all 
nature ; and she is either no woman, or a deeper one than 
I am, if she prefers an old man to a young one. Here she 
comes ! looking as cheerfully as if she was going to marry 
Mi. Jenks ! my Mr. Jenks ! whom nobody won't lead to 
the halter till I have that honour. 

Ente?' Grace Jiom the Draicing-Roonif l. 

Grace. Well, Pert? any signs of the squire yet] 

Pert. No, Miss Grace ; but James has gone to watch 
the road. 

Grace. In my uncle's letter, he mentions a Mr. Dazzle, 
whom he has invited ; so you must prepare a room for him. 
He is some friend of my husband that is to be, and my un- 
cle seems to have taken an extraordinary predilection for 
him. Apropos ! I must not forget to have a bouquet foi 
the dear old man when he an-ives. 

Pert. The dear old man ! Do you mean Sir Harcouit ] 

Grace. La, no ! my uncle, of course. [Plucking flower s.\ 
What do I care for Sir Harcourt Courtly 1 [CrosseSy r. 

Pert. Isn't it odd, Miss, you have never seen your in 
tended, though it has been so long since you were betroth- 
ed ] 

Grace. Not at all ; marriage matters are conducted now- 
a-days in a most mercantile manner ; consequently, a pre- 
vious acquaintance is by no means indispensable. Beside?, 
■my prescrihed husband has been upon the continent for the 
benefit of his — property ! They say a southern climate is 
a great restorer of consumptive estates. 

Pert, WeK, Miss, for my own part, I should like to have 
a good look at my bargain before I paid for it ; 'specially 
when one's life is the price of the article. But why, ma'am, 
do you consent to marry in this blind-man'e-butf sort oi 



20 LONDON ASSURANCE* f Act li 

manner? What would you think if he were not nu/le so 
old] 

Grace. I should think he was a little younger. 

Pert. I should like him all the better. 

Grace. That wouldn't I. A young husband might ex- 
pect affection and nonsense, which 'twould be deceit in 
me to render ; nor would he permit me to remain with ray 
uncle. — Sir Harcourt takes me with the incumbrances on 
his estate, and 1 slmll beg to be left among the rest of the 
live stock. 

Peit. Ah, Miss ! but some day you might chance to 
stumble over the man, — what could you do then 1 

Grace. Do ! beg the man's pardon, and request the man 
to pick me up again. 

Pert. Ah ! you were never in love. Miss. 

Grace. 1 never was, nor will be, till I am tired of myself 
and common sense. Love is a pleasant scape-goat for a 
little epidemic madness. I must have been inoculated in 
my infancy, for the infection passes over poor me in con- 
tempt. 

Enter James, l. 

blames. Two gentlemen. Miss Grace, have just alighted. 

Grace. Very well, James. [Exit James, l.J Love is pic- 
tured as a boy ; in another century they will be wiser, and 
paint him as a fool, wirh cap and bells, without a thought 
above the jingling of his own folly. Now, Pert, reraembei 
this as a maxim, — A woman is always in love with one of 
two things. 

Pert. What are they, Miss ] 

Grace. A man, or herself — and I know which is themo8t 
profitable. [Exit, l. 

Pert. I wonder what my Jenks would say, if 1 was to 
ask him. La ! here comes Mr. Meddle, his rival, contem- 
porary solicitor, as he calls him, — a nasty, prying, ugly 
wretch — what brings him here ] He comes pufled with 
lome news. [Retires up, u. 

Enter Meddle, with a newspaper , l. 

Med. I have secured the only newspaper in the village 

-my character, as an attorney-at-law, depended on the 

monopoly Ci" its information. — I took it up by chance, when 



Scene 1 LONDON ASSURANCE. 21 

this paragraph met my astonished view : [Reads. \ We 
understand that the contract of marriage so long in ajey 
ance on account of the lady's minority, is about to be cele- 
brated, at Oak Hall, Gloucestershire, the well-known and 
magnificent mansion of Maximilian Harkaway, Esq., be- 
tween Sir Harcourt Courtly, Baronet, of fashionable cele- 
brity, and Miss Grace Harkaway. niece to the said Mr. 
Harkaway. The preparations are proceeding in the good 
old English style.' Is it possible ! I seldom swear, ex- 
cept in a witness box, but, damme, had it been known in 
the village, my reputation would have been lost ; my voice 
in the parlour of the Red Lion mute, End Jenks, a fellow 
who calls himself a lawyer, without more capability than a 
broomstick, and as much impudence as a young barrister 
after getting a verdict by mistake ; why, he would actually 
have taken the Reverend Mr. Spout by the button, which 
is now my sole privilege. Ah ! here is Mrs. Pert : couldn't 
have hit upon a better person. I'll cross-examine her — 
Lady's maid to Miss Grace, — confidential purloiner of 
second-hand silk — a nisi prxus of her mistress — Ah ! sits 
on the woolsack in the pantry, and dictates the laws of 
kitchen etiquette. — Ah ! Mrs. Pert, good morning ; per- 
mit me to say, — and my word as a legal character is not 
unduly considered — [ venture to affirm, that you look a— 
quite like the — a 

Fcrt. Law ! Mr. Meddle. 

Med. Exactly like the law. 

Pert. Ha ! indeed ; complimentary, I confess ; like the 
law ; tedious, prosy, made up of musty paper. You sha'n't 
have a long suit of me. Good morning. \Going. 

Med. Stay, Mrs. Pert ; don't calumniate my calling, oi 
disseminate vulgar prejudices. 

Pert. Vulgar ! you talk of vulgarity to me ! you, whose 
sole employment is to sneak about like a pig, sr outing out 
the dust-hole of society, and feeding upon the bad ends of 
vice ! you, who live upon the world's iniquity ; you mise- 
rable specimen of a bad six-and-eightpence ! 

Med. But, INIrs. Pert 

Pert. Don't but me, sir ; I won't be butted by ar,y sucn 
luW fellow. 

Med. This is slander ; an action will lie. 

Pert. Let it lie ; lying is yo ir trade, Pll tell you what 



22 LONDON ASS'JKiNCE. £ACT i» 

Mr. Meddle ; if I nad my will, I would soon put a check 
on your prying propensities, I'd treat you as the farmers 
do inquisitive hogs. 

Med. How 1 

Pert. I would ring your nose. [Exit, l. 

3Ied. Not much information elicted from that witness. 
Jenks is at the bottom of this, I have very little hesitation 
in saying, Jenks is a libellous rascal ; I heard reports that 
he was undermining my character here, through Mrs. Pert. 
Now I'm certain of it. Assault is expensive ; but I cer- 
tainly will put by a small weekly stipendium, until I can 
afford to kick Jenks. 

Daz. [Oidside.] Come along ; this way ! 

Med. Ah ! whom have we here 1 Visitors ; I'll address 
them. 

Enter Dazzle, l. 

Daz. Who's this, I wonder ; one of the family 1 1 must 
know him. [To Meddle.] Ah ! how are ye ? 

Afed. Quite well. Just arrived 1 — ah ! — um !— Migb 
I request the honour of knowing whom I address ] 

Daz. Richard Dazzle, Esquire ; and you 

Med. Mark Meddle, attorney-at-law. 

Enter Young Courtly, l. 

Daz. What detained you 1 

Young C. My dear fellow, I have just seen such a wo» 
man ! 

Daz. [Aside.] Hush ! [Aloud.] Permit me to introduce 
you to my very old friend, Meddle. He's a capital fellow ; 
know him. 

Med. I feel honoured. Who is your friend 1 

Daz. Oh, lie 1 What, my friend 1 Oh ! Augustus 
Hamilton. 

Young C. How d'ye do 1 [Looking off.] There slie is 
Again ! 

Med. [Looking off.] Why, that is Miss Grace. 

Daz. Of course, Grace. 

Young C. I'll go and introduce myself. 

[Dazzle stops nin, 

Daz. [Aside.] What are you about ] would ycu insult 
my old friend, Puddle by running away % [Al4}ud.\ I say, 



6CEHK I.I 



TCNDON ASSURANCE. 23 



Puddle, just show my friend the lions, while I say how d'ye 
do to my young friend, Grace. [^^z'Je.] Cultivate his ac- 
quaintance. [Exit, L. — Young Courtly looks after hwi, 

Med. Mr. Hamilton, might I take the liberty ? 

Young C. [Looking off.] Confound the fellow ! 

Med, Sir, what did you remark ? 

Young C. She's gone ! Oh, are you here still, Mr. Thin- 
gomeny Puddle ] 

Med. Meddle, sir, Meddle, in the list of attorneys. 

Young C. Well, Muddle, or Puddle, or whoever you 
are, you are a bore. 

Med. [Aside.] How excessively odd ! Mrs. Pert said T 
was a pig ; now I'm a boar ! I wonder what they'll mako 
of me next. 

Young C. Mr. Thingamy, will you take a word of ad 
vice ? 

Med. Feel honoured. 

Young C. Get out. 

Med. Do you mean to — I don't understand. 

Young C. Delighted to quicken your apprehension. You 
are an ass, Puddle. 

Med. Ha! ha! another quadruped ! Yes; beautiful. — 
[^^/cZe.] I wish he'd call me something libellous : but that 
would be too much to expect. — [Aloud.] Anything else I 

Young C. Some miserable, pettifogging scoundrel ! 

Med. Good! ha! ha! 

Young C. What do you mean by laughing at me ? 

Med. Ha ! ha ! ha ! excellent ! delicious ! 

Young C. Mr. are you ambitious of a kicking ] 

Med. Very, very — Go on — kick — go on. 

Young C. [Looking off.] Here she comes ! I'll speak to 
oer. 

Med. But, sir — sir 

Young C. Oh, go to the devil ! [Runs off, l. 

Med. There, there's a chance lost — gone ! I have no 
hesitation in saying, that, in another minute, I should have 
been kicked ; literally kicked — a legal luxury. Costs, da- 
mages, and actions rose up like sky-rockets in my aspiring 
soul, with golden tails reaching to the infinity of my hopes, 
[Looking.] They are coming this way ; Mr. Hamilton in 
close conversation wilh Lady Courtly that is to be. Crim. 
Cod. — CourtlVi versus Hamilton — damages probleraaticaJ 



04 LONDON ASSURANCE. ACT I* 

— MeJtlle, chief witness for plaintiff — guinea a-day — ^pro- 
fessional man ! I'll take clown their conversation verbatim. 

[Retires behind a luih^ R. 

Enter Grace, fuUuiccd hij Young Courtly, l. 

Grace. Perhaps you would follow your friend into the 
dining-room ; refreshment, after your long journey, must 
oe requisite. 

Young C. Favdon me, madam ! but the lovely garden 
and the loveliness before me, is better refreshment than I 
could procure in any dining-room. 

Grace. Ha ! Your company and compliments arrive 
together. 

Young C. I trust that a passing remark will not spoil so 
welcome an introduction as this by offending you. 

Grace. I am not certain that anything you could say 
would offend me. 

Young C. I never meant 

Grace. I thought not. In turn, pardon me, when I re- 
quest you will commence your visit with this piece of infor- 
mation : — I consider compliments impertinent, and sweet- 
meat language fulsome. 

Young C. 1 would condemn my tongue to a Pythagoreaa 
silence, if I thought it could attempt to flatter. 

Grace. It strikes me, sir, that you are a stray bee from 
the hive of fashion ; if so, reserve your honey for its proper 
cell. A truce to compliments. — You have just arrived 
from toion, I apprehend. 

Young C. This moment I left mighty London, under the 
fever of a full season, groaning with the noisy pulse ol 
wealth and the giddy whirling brain of fashion. Enchant- 
ing, busy London I how have I prevailed on myself to de- 
sert you ! Next week the new ballet comes out — the week 
after comes Ascot. Oh ! 

Grace. How agonising must be the reflection ! 

Young C. Torture ! Can you inform me how you ma- 
nage to avoid suicide here ] If there was but an opera, 
even, within twenty miles ! We couldn't get uj^ a rustic 
ballet among the village girls 1 No 1 — ah ! 

Grace. I am afraid you would find that difficult. How 
I contrive to support life I don't know — it is wonderful- 



BCKHX 1.] 



LOxVDUN ASSURANCE 2fi 



bat I have not precisely contemplated suicide yet, nor do 
I miss the opera. 

Young C. How can you manage to kill time ? 

Grace. I can't. Men talk of killing time, while time 
quietly kills them. I have many employments — this week 
I devote to study and various amusements — next week lO 
being married — the following week to repentance, pQf- 
oaps. 

Young C. Married ! 

Grace. You seem surprised ; I believe it is of frequent 
occurrence in the metropolis — is it not 1 

Younsr C. Might I ask to whom ] 

Grace. A gentleman who has been strongly recommend- 
ed to me for the situation of husband. * 

Young C. What an extraordinary match ! Would you 
not consider it advisable to see him, previous to incurring 
the consequences of such an act ] 

Grace. You must be aware that fashion says otherwise. 
The gentleman swears eternal devotion to the lady's fortune, 
and the lady swears she will outvie him still. My lord's 
horses and my lady's diamonds shine through a few seasons, 
until a seat in Parliament, or the continent stares them in 
the face ; then, when thrown upon each other for resources 
of comfort, they begin to quarrel about the original condi- 
tions of the sale. 

Young G. Sale ! No ! that would be degrading civili 
oation into Turkish barbarity. 

Grace. Worse, sir, a great deal worse ; for tliere at ie;«l 
they do not attempt concealment of the barter ; hut lit're, 
every London ball-room is a marriage mart — young ladies 
are trotted out, while the mother, fat.ier, or chaperone plays 
auctioneer, and knocks them down to the highest bidfler— 
young men are ticketed up with their fortunes on iheii 
backs, — and Love, turned into a dapper shopman, descants 
on the excellent qualities of the material. 

Young C. Oh ! that such a custom could l)ave ever tv.ns. 
Dated from the healthy soil of an English heart ! 

Grace. No. It never did — like most of r)ur literary dan- 
dyisms and dandy literature, it was borrov/ed from rh-3 
F encir. 

Young C. You seem to laugh at love. 

Grace. Love ! why, the very word is a breathing satire 



o 



26 LONDON ASSURANCE. f Act II 

upon man's reason — a mania, indigenous t) humanity — 
nature's jester, who plays off tricks upon the world, and 
tiips up common sense. When I'm in love, I'll write an 
almanac, for veiy lack of wit — prognosticate the sighing 
Beason — when to beware of tears — about this time, expect 
matrimony to be prevalent ! Ha ! ha ! Why should I lay 
out my life in love's bonds upon the bare security of a 
man's word 1 

Enter James, l. 

James. The Squire, Madam, has just arrived, and another 
gentleman with him, 

Grace. \Aside.\ My intended, I suppose. [Exit oum.cs, l. 

Young C. I perceive you are one of the railers against 
what is termed the follies of high life. 

Grace. No, not particularly ; I deprecate all folly. By 
what prerogative can the west-end mint issue absurdity, 
which, if coined in the east, would be voted vulgar ? 

Young C. By a sovereign right — because it has Fashion's 
head upon its side, and that stamps it current. 

Grace. Poor Fashion, for how many sins hast thou jo 
answer ! The gambler pawns his birth-right for fashion — 
the roue steals his friend's wife for fashion — each aband< is 
himself to the storm of impulse, calling it the breeze M 
fashion. 

Young C. Is this id(jl of the world so radically viciou J ? 

Grace. No; the root is well eno-ugh, as the body wa», 
until it had outgrown its native soil ; but now, like a 
mighty giant lying over Europe, it pillows its head in Italy, 
its heart in France, leaving the heels alone its sole support 
for England. 

Young C. Pardon me, madam, you wrong yourself to 
rail against your own inheritance — the kingdom to which 
loveliness and wit attest your title. 

Grace, A mighty realm, forsooth, — with milliners for 
ministers, a cabinet of coxcombs, envy for my homage, ruin 
for my revenue — my right of rule depending on the shape 
of a bonnet or the set of a pelisse, with the next grand 
noodle as my heir-apparent. Mr. Hamilton, when I am 
crowned, I shall feel happy to abdicate in your favour. 

[Curtesy s and exit, L, 

Young C What did she mean by that 1 Hans; me if I 



Scwmlj LONDON ASSURANCE. 27 

can understand her — she is evidently not used to society. 
Ha ! — takes every word I say for infallible truth — requires 
the solution of a compliment, as if it were a problem in Eu- 
clid. She said she was about to marry, but I rather ima- 
gine she was iu jest. ' Pon my life, I feel very queer at the 
contemplation of such 'an idea — I'll follow her. [Meddle 
comes do2vn.] Oh ! perhaps this booby can inform me some- 
thing about her. [Meddle makes signs at him.] What the 
devil is he at ! 

Med. It won't do — no — ah ! urn — it's not to be done. 

Young C. What do you mean '? 

Med. [Points after Grace.] Counsel retained — cause in 
come off! 

Young C. Cause to come off! 

Med. Miss Grace is about to be married. 

Young C. Is it possible 1 

Med. Certainly. If I have the drawing out of the 
deeds 

Young C. To whom 1 

Med. Ha! hem! Oh, yes! I dare say — Information 
being scarce in the market, 1 hope to make mine valuable. 

Young C. Married ! married ! 

Med. Now I shall have another chance. 

Young G. I'll run and ascertain the truth of this from 
Dazzle. [Exit, l. 

J\fed. It's of no use : he either dare not kick me, or he 
can't afford it — in either case, he is beneath my notice. 
Ah ! who comes here 1 — can it be Sir Harcourt Courtly 
himself] It can be no other. 

Enter Cool, l. 

Sir, I have the honour to bid you welcome to Oak Hall 
and the village of Oldborough. 

Cool. [Aside.] Excessively polite. — Sir, thank you. 

Med. The township contains two thousand inhabitants. 

Cool. Does it ! I am delighted to hear it. 

Med. [Aside.] I can charge him for that — ahem — six and 
eightpence is not much — but it is a beginning. [Aloud.] li 
you will permit me, I can inform you of the different com- 
modities for which it is famous. 

Cool. Much obliged— but here comes Sir Harcourt Court. 



28 LONDON ASSURAN'CE. 



[Acv 



ly, my master, and INIr. Harkavvay — any other time I sHall 
feel rleligbtetl. 

Med. Oh ! [Aside] Mistook the man for the master. 

[ Retires uj), R. 

Enter Max cnul Sir Harcourt, l. 

Max. Here we are at last. Now give ye welcome to 
Jak Hall, Sir Harcourt, heartily ! 

Sir II. [Languidly.] Cool, assist me. [Cool takes off 
his cloak and gloves ; gives Mm ichite gloves a?id hand 
kerchief. 

Max. Why, you require unpacking as carefully as my 
best bin of pent. Well, now you are decanted, tell me 
what did you think of my park as we came along. 

Sir II. That it would never come to an end. You said 
it was only a stone's throw from your infernal lodge to the 
house ; why, it's ten miles, at least. 

Max. I'll do it in ten minutes any day. 

Sir H. Yes, in a steam carriage. Cool, perfume my 
handkerchief 

Max. Don't do it. Don't ! perfume in the country ! 
why, it's high treason in the very face of Nature ; 'tis in- 
troducing the robbed to the robber. Here are the sweets 
from which your fulsome essences are pilfered, and libelled 
with their names ; — don't insult them, too, 

[Meddle comes down, c. 

Sir H. [To Meddle.] Oh ! cull me a bouquet, my man ! 

Max. [Tur?iing.] Ah, Meddle! how are you 1 This is 
Lawyer Meddle. 

Sir II. Oh ! I took him for one of your people. 

Med. Ah ! naturally — um— Sir Harcourt Courtly, I have 
the honour to congratulate— happy occasion approaches. 
Ahem ! I have no hesitatio/i in saying this very happy oc- 
casion approaches. 

Sir H. Cool, is the conversation addressed towards me 1 

Cool. [ believe so, Sir Harcourt. 

Med. Oh, certainly ! I was complimenting you. 

Sir H. Sir, you are very good ; the honour is unde- 
served ; but I am only in the habit of receiving compli- 
ments from the fair sex. Men's admiration is so damnably 
insipid. 

Med. I had hoped to make a unit on that occasion. 



ScKNC I LONDON ASSURANCE. 29 

Str 21, Yes, and you hoped to put an inferntl numbei 
">f cyphers after your unit on that and any other occasion. 

Med. Ha ! ha ! very good. Why, I did hope to have 
the honour of drawing out the deeds ; for, whatever Jenka 
may say to the contrary, I have no hesitation in saying — 

Sir H. [Putting him aside. — To Max] If the future La- 
dy Courtly be visible at so unfashionable an hour as this, 
I shall beg to be introduced. 

Max. Visible ! Ever since six this morning, I'll warrant 
ye. Two to one she is at dinner. 

Sir H. Dinner ! Is it possible 1 Lady Courtly dine 
at half-past one p. m. ! 

Med. I rather prefer that hour to peck a little my 

Sir H. Dear me ! who was addressing you 1 

Med. Oh ! I beg pardon. 

Max. Here, James ! [ Calling. 

Enter James, l. 

Tell Miss Grace to come here directly. [Exit James, l.] 
Now prepare. Courtly, for, though I say it, she is — with 
the exception of my bay mare, Kitty — the handsomest 
thing in the country. Considering she is a biped, she is a 
wonder ! Full of blood, sound wind and limb, plenty of 
bone, sweet coat, in fine condition, with a thorough-bred 
step, as dainty as a pet greyhound. 

Sir H. Damme, don't compare her to a horse ! 

Max. Well, I wouldn't, but she's almost as fine a crea 
ture, — close similarities. 

Med. Oh, very fine creature ! Close similarity, amount- 
ing to identity. 

Sir H. Good gracious, sir ! What can a lawyer know 
about women ! 

Med. Everything. The consistorial court is a fine study 
of the character, and I have no hesitation in saying that 1 
have examined more women than Jenks, or 

Sir H. Oh, damn Jenks ! 

Med. Sir, thank you. Damn him again, sir, danrn biro 
again ! 

Enter Grace, l. 

Grace. My dear uncle ! 

Max. Ah, Gra<'.e, you little jade, come here. 



30 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Acrll 

Sir H. [Ei/eing her thrxOugJi his glass.] Oh, clear ! she is 
rural Venus ! I'm astonished an-', delighted. 



a 

Max. Won't you kiss your o^J uncle ? [Kisses her. 

Sir H. [Draws an agonizing facc\ Oh! — ah — um ! — 
N'importe ! — my privilege in embryo — hem ! It's very 
tantalizing, though. 

Max. You are not glad to see me, you are not. 

Sir H. Oh; no, no! [Aside,\ that is too much. I shall 
do something horrible presently, if this ^oes on. [Aloud.] 
I should be sorry to curtail any little ebullition of affection ; 
but — ahem I May I be permitted % 

Max. Of course you may. There, Grace, is Sir Har- 
court, your husband that will be. Go to him, girl. 

Sw H. Permit me to do homage to the charms, the pre- 
sence of wjiich have placed me in sight of Paradise. 

[Sir Harcourt and Grace retire. 

Enter Dazzle, l. 

Daz. Ah ! old fellow, how are you ] 

Max. I'm glad to see you. Are you comfortably quar- 
tered yet, eh ? 

Daz. Splendidly quartered ! What a place you've got 
^nre ! Here, Hamilton. 

Enter Young Courtly. 

Permit me to introduce my friend, Augustus Hamilton 
Capital fellow 1 drinks like a sieve, and rides like a thun 
der-storm. 

Max. Sir, I'm devilish glad to see you. Here, Sir Har- 
court, permit me to introduce to you 

Young C. The devil ! 

Daz. [Aside.] What's the matter ] 

Young G. [Aside.] Why, that is my governor, by c wpi- 
ter! 

Daz. [Aside.] What, old Whiskers ! you don't say that 1 

Young G. [Aside.] It is : what's to be done now ? 

Max. Mr. Hamilton, Sir Harcourt Cturtly — Sir Har- 
court Courtly, Mr. Hamilton. 

Sir II. Hamilton ! Good gracious ! God bless me ! 
• -why, Charles, is it possible 1 — why, Max, that's my son I 

Young G. [Aside.] What shall I do 1 

Max. Your son ! 



Scene I.J 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 31 



Grace. Your son, Sir Harcourt ! have you a son as old 
as that gentleman ! 

Sir H. No — that is — a yes, — not by twenty year* — a — 
Charles, why don't you answer me, sir ] 

Young C. [Aside to Dazzle.] What shall I say r 

Daz. [Aside.] Deny your identity. 

Young C. [J.5zVZe.] "Capital! [Aloud.] What's the matter 
sir 1 

Sir H. How came you down here, sir 1 

Young C. By one of Newman's best fours — in twelve 
nours and a quarter. 

Sir H. Isn't your name Charles Courtly ] 

Yowig C. Not to my knowledge. 

Sir H. Do you mean to say that you are usually called 
Augustus Hamilton ] 

Young C. Lamentable fact — and quite correct. 

Sir H. Cool, is that my son 1 

Cool. No, sir — it is not Mr. Charles — but it is very like 
nim. 

Max. I cannot understand all this. [Goes up. 

Grace. [Aside }^ I think I can. 

Daz, [Aside to Young C.] Give him a touch of the in- 
dignant. 

Young C. Allow me to say, Sir What-d'ye-caH'em 
Hartly — 

Sir H. Hartly, sir ! Courtly, sir ! Courtly ! 

Young C. Well, Hartly, or Court-heart, or wnatever 
your name may be, I say your conduct is — a — a — , and 
were it not for the presence of this lady, I should feel in- 
clined—to — to — . 

Sir II. No, no, that can't be my son, — he never would 
address me in that way. 

Max. [Coming doivn.] What is all this? 

Sir H. Sir, your likeness to my son Charles is so asto- 
nishing, that it, for a moment — the equilibrium of my eti- 
quette — 'pon my life, I — permit me to request your pardcii. 

Med. Sir Harcourt, don't apologise, don't — bring an ao 
tion. I'm witness. 

Sir H. Some one take this man away. 

^/^^cr James, l. 
James. Luncheon is on the tab!e, sir. 



32 LONDON ASSURANCE. 



[Ac»n 



Sir II. jNJiss Ilarkaway, I never swore before a lady in 
my life — excejot when I promised to love and cherish the 
late Lady Courtly, which I took care to preface with an 
apology, — I was compelled to the ceremony, and conse- 
quently not answerable for the language — but to that gen- 
tleman's identity I would have pledged — my hair. 

Grace. [Aside.] If that security were called for, I suspect 
the answer wcjuld be — no effects. 

[Exeunt Sir Harcourt and Grace, l. 

Med. [To ilitt.T.] I have something very particular tc 
communicate. 

Max. Can't listen at present. [Exit, l. 

Med. [To Dazzle and Young C] I can afford you infer 
mation, which I 

T>az. Oh, dont bother ! i 

Young C. Go to the devil ! i [Extunty l. 

Med. Now, I have no hesitation in saying that is the 
height of ingratitude. — O^. — Mr. Cool— can you oblige 
me] [Presents Jiis account. 

Cool. Why, what is all this 1 

Med. Small account versus you — to giving information 
concerning the last census of the population of Old borough 
and vicinity, six and eightpence. 

Cool. Oh, you mean to make me pay for this, do you? 

Med. Unconditionally. 

Cool. Well, 1 have no objection — the charge is fair- 
but remember, I am a servant on board wages, — will you 
throw in a little advice gratis — if I give you the money ? 

Med. Ahem !— I will. 

Cool. A fellow has insulted me. I want to abuse him— 
wnat terms are actionable 1 

Bled. You may call him anything you please, providing 
there are no witnesses. 

Cool. Oh, may I ? [Looks round.] then you rascally, pet- 
tifogging scoundrel! 

Med. Hallo ! 

Cool. You mean — dirty — disgrace to your profession. 

Med. Libel — slander — 

Cool. Ay, but where are your witnesses ? 

Med. Give me the costs — six and eightpence. 

Cool, 1 deny that you gave ne information at all, 

Med You do ! 



Scire I.] LONDON ASSURANCE. 33 

Cool, Y(js, where are your witnesses ] [ Exitf l. 

Med. All — damme , [Exit^ L. 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 

Scene I. — A Morning-Room in Oalc Hall, French windows 
opening to the Lawn. Max and Sir Harcouht seated 
on one side, Dazzle on the other; Grace and Young 
Courtly playing chess at hack All dressed for dinner. 

Max. [Aside to Sir H.] What can I do ] 

Sir H. Get rid of them civilly. 

Max, What, turn them out, after I particularly invited 
them to stay a month or two 1 

Sir H, Why, they are disreputable characters ; as for 
that young fellow, in whom my Lady Courtly appears so 
particularly absorbed, — I am bewildered — I have written 
to town for my Charles, my boy — it certainly is the most 
extraordinary likeness — 

Daz. Sir Harcourt, I have an idea — 

Sir H. Sir, I am delighted to hear it. — [Aside to Max.] 
That fellow is a swindler. 

Max. I met him at your house. 

Sir II. Never saw him before in all my life. 

Daz. [Crossing to Sir IL] I will bet you five to one that 
I can beat you three out of four games at billiards, with ono 
hand. 

Sir H, No, sir. 

Daz, I don't mind giving you ten points in fifty. 

Sir U, Sir, I never gamble. 

Daz. You don't ! Well, I'll teach you — easiest thing 
ia life — you have every requisite — good temper. 

Sir H. I have not, sir. 

Daz. A long-headed, knowing old buck. 

Sir H. Sir ! [Thci/ go up conversing with Max^ c. 

Grace. Really, Mr. Hamilton, you improve. — A young 
man pays us a visit, as you half intimate, to escape incon* 
venient friends — that is complimentary to us, his hosts. 



34 LONDON ASSURANCE. ^Acr III. 

Young C. Nay, that is too severe. 

Grace. Affer an acquaintanceship of two daja, you sit 
Jown to teach me chess and domestic economy at the samo 
time. — Might I ask where you graduated in that science — 
where you learned all that store of matrimonial advice 
which you have obliged me with 1 [They come forward. 

Young C. I imbibed it, madam, from the moment I be- 
held you, and having studied my subject con amore^ took 
ray degrees from your eyes. 

Grace. Oh, I see you are a Master of Arts already. 

Young C. Unfortunately, no — I shall remain a bachelor 
— till you can assist me to that honour. [Sir Harcourt comes 
doicn — aside to Dazzle?^ Keep the old boy away. 

Daz. [Asidc?^ How do you get on ] 

Young C. [Aside.] Splendidly ! 

Sir H. Is the conversation strictly confidential ? — or 
might I join % 

Daz. [Taking his arin?[ Oh, not in the least, my dear sii 
— we were remarking that rifle shooting was an excellent 
diversion during the summer months. 

Sir H. [Drawing himself vp.\ Sir, T was addressing — 

Daz. And I was saying what a pity it was I couldn't 
find any one reasonable enough to back his opinion with 
long odds — come out on the lawn, and pitch up your hat, 
and I will hold you ten to one I put a bullet into it every 
time, at forty joaces. 

Sir H. No, sir — I consider you 

Max. Here, all of you — look, here is Lady Gay Spanker 
coming across the lawn at a hand gallop ! 

Sir H. [Rtmning to the window.] Bless me, the horse is 
running away ! 

Max. Look how she takes that fence ! there's a seat. 

Sir H. Lady Gay Spanker — who may she be 1 

Grace. Gay Spanker, Sir Harcourt % My cousin and 
dearest friend — you must like her. 

Sir TI. It will be my devoir, since it is your wish— though 
it will be a hard task in your presence. 

Grace. I am sure she will like you. 

jS/r H. Ha ! ha ! I flatter myself. 

Young G. Who, and what is she 1 

Grace, Glee, glee, made a living thing — Nature, in some 
fit>Iic mood, shut up a merry devil in her eye, and, spiting 



BcZMfil.] %0N1^0!v ASSURANCE. 35 

Art, Stole joy's brightest hai mony to thrill her laugh, which 
peals out sorrow's knell. Her cry rings loudest in the field 

the very echo ioves it best, and as each hill attempts to 

ape her voice. Earth a ems to laugh that it made a thing 
<8o glad. 

Max. Ay, the merriest minx I ever kissed. 

[Lady Gay laughs without. 

Lady G. [ Wi/nout.] Max ! 

Max. Come n, you mischievous puss. 

Enter James, l. 
Jafnes. Mr. Adolphus and Lady Gay Spanker, [Exit 
Enter Lady Gay, l., ftiUy equipped in riding hahit, ^. 

Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! Well, governor, how are ye ] I 
have been down five times, climbing up your stairs in my 
long clothes. How are you, Grace, dear] [Kisses her.] 
There, don't fidget. Max. And there — [kisses him\ there's 
one for you. 

Sir H. Ahem ! 

Lady Gay. Oh, gracious, I didn't see you had visitors. 

Max. Permit me to introduce — Sir Harcourt Courtly, 
Lady Gay Spanker. Mr. Dazzle, Mr. Hamilton — Lady 
Gay Spanker. 

^ir H. [Aside.] A devilish fine woman ! 

Daz. [Aside to Sir iJ. | She's a devilish fine woman. 

Lady Gay. You musn't think anything of the liberties 
i take with my old papa here — bless him ! 

Sir H. Oh, no ! [^.s^Vi^'.] I only thought I should like to 
be in his place. 

Lady Gay. I am so glad you have come. Sir Harcourt. 
Now we shall be able to make a decent figure at the heels 
of a hunt. 

Sir H. Does your Ladyship hunt ? 

Lady Gay. Ha ! I say, Governor, does my Ladyship 
hunt 1 I rather flatter myself that I do hunt ! Why, Sir 
Harcourt, one might as well live without laughing as with- 
out hunting. Man was fashioned expressly to fit a horse. 
Are not hedges and ditches created for leaps ] Of course I 
And I look upon foxes to be one of the most blessed 
dispensations of a benign Providence. 



36 LONDON ASSURANCE 



Act III 



Sir II. Yes it is all very well in the abstract : 1 tried it 
once. 

Ijady Gay. Once ! Only once 1 

Sir II. Once, only once. And then the animal ran away 
with me. 

Lady Gay. Why, you would not have him walk 1 

Sir H. Finding my society disagreeable, he instituted a 
series of kicks, with a view to removing the annoyance j 
but aided by the united stays of the mane and tail, I frus- 
trated his intentions. [All laugh.] His next resource, how 
ever, was more effectual, for he succeeded in rubbing me 
off against a tree. 

Max cV Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Daz. How absurd you must have looked with your legs 
and arms in the air, like a shipwrecked tea-tab]e. 

Sir H. Sir, I never looked absurd in my life. Ah, it 
may be very amusing in relation, I dare say, but very un- 
pleasant in effect. 

Lady Gay. I pity you, Sir Harcourt ; it was criminal in 
your parents to neglect your education so shamefully. 

Sir H. Pf>ssibly ; but be assured, I shall never break 
my neck awkwardly from ahorse, when it might be accom 
plished with less trouble from a bed-room window. 

Young C. \ Aside.] My dad will be caught by this she 
Bucephalus-tamer. 

Max. Ah ! Sir Harcourt, had you been here a month 
ago, you would have witnessed the most glorious run that 
ever swept over merry England's green cbeek — a steeple- 
chase, sir, which I intended to win, but my horse broke 
down the day before. I had a chance, notwithstanding, 
and but for Gay here, I should have won. How I regret- 
ted my absence from it ! How did my filly behave herse'/. 
Gay 1 

Lady Gay. Gloriously, Max ! gloriously ! There were 
sixty horses in the field, all mettle to the bone : the start 
was a picture — away we went in a cloud — pell-mell — 
helter-skelter — the fools first, as usual, using themselves up 
— we soon passed them — first your Kitty, then my Blue- 
skin, and Craven's colt last. Then came the tug — Kitty 
skiramed the walls — Blueskin flew over the fences — the 
Colt neck-and-neck, and lialf a mile to run — at last the 
Coll baulked a leap and went wild. Kitty and J had in aU 



ScMeI.] LONDON iSSURANCE. 3^ 

to ourselves — slie was three lengths ahead as we breasted 
the last wall, six feet, if an inch, and a ditch on the other 
side. Now, for the first time, I gave Blueskin his head — 
ha ! ha ! Away he flew like a thunderbolt — over went the 
filly — I over the same spot, leaving Kitty in the ditch — 
walked the steeple, eight miles in thirty minutes, and 
scarcely turned a hair 

All. Bravo ! Bravo ! 

Lady Gay. Do you hunt 1 

Daz. Hunt ! I belong to a hunting family. I was bom 
on horseback and cradled in a kennel ! Ay, and 1 hope 1 
may die with a whoo- whoop ! 

Max. \To Sir H.] You must leave your town habits io 
the smoke of London ; here we rise with the lark. 

Sir H. Haven't the remotest conception when that pe- 
riod is. 

Grace. The man that misses sunrise loses the sweetest 
part of his existence. 

Sir H. Oh, pardon me ; I have seen sunrise frequently 
after a ball, or from the windows of my travelling carriage, 
and I ahvays considered it disagreeable. 

Grace. I love to watch the first tear that glistens in the 
opening eye of morning, the silent song the flowers breathe, 
the thrilling choir of the woodland minstrels, to which the 
modest brook trickles aplause : — these swelling out the 
sweetest chord of sweet creation's matins, seem to pour 
some soft and merry tale into the daylight's ear, as if the 
waking world had dreamed a happy thing, and now smiled 
o'er the telling of it. 

Sir H. The effect of a rustic education ! Who could 
ever discover music in a damp foggy morning, except those 
confounded waits, who never play in tune, and a misera- 
ble wretch who makes a point of crying coffee under my 
window just as I am persuading myself to sleep : in fact, 
I never heard any music worth listening to, except in Italy. 

Lady Gay. No 1 then you never heard a well-trained 
English pack in full cry ] 

Sir H. Full cry ! 

Lady G. Ay ! there is harmony, if you will. Give vc\t 
the trumpet-neigh ; the spotted pack just catching scent. 
What a chorus is their yelp ! The view-hallo, blent with 
a peal of free and fearless mirth ! That's our old Englisb 
uiu:*ic, — match it where you can. 



38 LONDON ASSURANCE. [Act II* 

Sir H. [Aside.] I must see about Lady Gay Spanker. 

l)az. [Aside to Sir H.] Ah, would you 

Ladij Gay. Time then appears as young- as love, and 
plumes as swift a wing. Away we go ! The earth flies 
back to aid our course ! Horse, man, hound, earth, hea- 
ven ! — all — all — one piece of glowing ecstacy ! Then 1 
love the world, myself, and every living thing, — my jocund 
Boul cries out for very glee, as it could wish that all crea- 
ation had but one mouth, that I might kiss it ! 

Sir H. [Aside.] I wish I were the mouth ! 

Max. Why, we will regenerate you, Baronet ! But 
tray, where is your husband 1 — Where is Adolphus ! 

Lady Gay. Bless me, where is my Dolly ] 

Sir H. You are married, then 1 

Lady Gay. I have a husband somewhere, though I can'i 
find him just now. Dolly, dear! [Aside to Max.\ Gove^* 
nor, at home 1 always whistle when I want him. 

Enter Spanker, l. 

Span. Here I am, — did you call me. Gay 1 
Sir II. [Eyeing him.] Is that your husband ? 
Lady Gay. [Aside] Yes, bless his stupid face, that's my 
Dolly. 

Max. Permit me to introduce you to Sir Harcourt Coart- 

ly- 

Sjyan. How d'ye do ] I — ah ! — um ! 

[Appears frigTitened. 

Lady Gay. Delighted to have the honour of making the 
acquaintance of a gentleman so highly celebrated in the 
world of fashion. 

Span. Oh, yes, delighted, I'm sure — quite — very, so de- 
lighted — delighted ! 

[Gets quite confused ^ draws on his glove, and tears it. 

Lady Gay. Where have you been, Dolly ] 

Span. Oh, ah, I was just outside. 

Max. Why did you not come in ] 

Span. I'm sure I didn't — I don't exactly know, but I 
thought as — perhaps — I can't remember. 
. Daz. Shall we have the pleasure of your company to 
dinner ] 

Span. I always dine — usually — thut i.s, unless Gay re- 
oiains 



ec«:17£ I.J L . NDON ASSURA SCE. SB 

Lady Gay. Stay dinner, of course ; we came ( n purposo 
«D Stop three or four days with you. 

Grace. Will you excuse my alssence, Gay % 

Max. What! what! Where are you going 1 What 
ou^es you away ! 

Grace. We must postpone the dinner till Gay is dressed 

"Max. Oh, never mind, — stay where you are. 

airacc. No, I must go. 

Max. I say you sha'n't ! I will be king in my own 
nouse. 

Grace. Do, my dear uncle ; — you shall be king, and I'll 
be your prime minister, — that is, I'll rule, and you shall 
have the honor of taking the consequences. [Exitf L. 

Lady Gay. Well said, Grace ; have your own way , H 
•s the only thing we women ought to be allowed. 

Max. Come, Gay, dress for dinner. 

Sir H. Permit me, Lady Gay Spanker. 

Lady Gay. With pleasure, — ^what do you want 1 

Sir H. To escort you. 

Lady Gay. Oh, never mind, I can escort myself, thank 
you, and Dolly too ; — come, dear ! [JGxeV, K. 

Sir H. Au revoir ! 

Span. Ah, thank you ! [Exit awkwardly, R. 

Sir H. What an ill-assorted pair ! 

Max, Not a bit ! She married him for freedom, and 
she has it ; he married her for protection, and he has it. 

Sir II. How he ever summoned courage to propose to 
her, I can't guess. 

Max. Bless you, he never did. She proposed to him 
She says he would if he could ; but as he couldn't, she dia 
it for him. [Exeunt laughing, l. 

Enter Cool with a letter, l. 

Cool. Mr. Charles, I have been watching to find you 
alone. Sir Harcourt has written to town for you. 

Young G. The devil he has ! 

Cool. He expects you down to-morrow evening. 

Daz. Oh ! he'll be punctual. A thought strikes me. 

Young C. Pooh ! Confound your thoughts ! I can think 
of nothing but the idea of leaving Grace, at the very mo- 
ment when I had established the most 

Daz. What if I can prevent her marriage with youf 
Governor ] 



40 LONDON ASSURANCE. 



[Act III 



Young C. Impossible ! 

Daz. He's pluming himself for the conquest of Lady 
Gay Spanker. It will not be difficult to make him believe 
she accedes to his suit. And if she would but join in th« 
plan 

Young G. I see it all. And do you think she would 1 

J)az, I mistake my game if she would not. 

Cool. Here comes Sir Harcourt ! 

Daz. I'll begin with him. Retire, and watch how I'll 
open the campaign for you. 

[ Young Courtly and Cool retire 

Enter Sir Harcourt, l. 

Sir II. Here is that cursed fellow again. 

Daz. Ah, my dear old friend ! 

Sir H. Mr. Dazzle ! 

Daz. I have a secret of importance to disclose to you. 
Are you a man of honor ] Hush ! don't speak ; you are. 
It is with the greatest pain I am compelled to request you, 
as a gentleman, that you will shun studiously the society oi 
Lady Gay Spanker ! 

Sir H. Good gracious ! Wherefore, and by what righl 
do you make such a demand % 

Daz. Why, I am distantly related to the Spankers. 

Sir H. Why, damme, sir, if you don't appear to be ro 
lated to every family in Great Britain ! 

Daz. A good many of the nobility claim me as a con 
nection. But, to return — she is much struck with youi 
address ; evidently, she laid herself out for display 

Sir H. Ha ! you surprise me ! 

Daz. To entangle you. 

Sir H. Ha ! ha ! why, it did appear like it. 

Daz. You will spare her for my sake ; give her no en 
couragement ; if disgrace come upon my relatives, tht 
Spankers, I should never hold up my head again. 

Sir K. [Aside.] I shall achieve an easy conquest, and a 
jtIoHous. Ha ! ha ! I never remarked it before, but this 
is a gentleman. 

Daz. May I rely on your generosity 1 

Sir H. Faithfully. [Shaka his hand.] Sir, I honour and 
esteem you ; but, might I ask, how came you to meet our 
fiiend, Max Harkaway, in my house in Belgrave Scuare I 



SCi£?£ 1 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 41 



He-enter Young Courtly. Sits on sofa at hack^ L. 

Baz. Certainly. I had an acceptance of ycKJr son's fu'. 
one hundred pounds. 

Sir H, \Astonishcd\ Of my son's 1 Impossible 1 

Daz. Ah, sir, fact ! he paid a debt for a poor unfortunate 
man— fifteen childien--half-a-dozen wives— the devil knows 
what all. 

Sir H. Simple boy ! 

Daz. Innocent youth, I have no doubt ; when you have 
the hundred convenient, [ shall feel delighted. 

Sir H. Oh 1 follow me to my room, and if you have the 
document, it will be happiness to me to pay it. Poor 
Charles 1 good heart ! 

Daz. Oh, a splendid heart ! I dare say. [Exit Sir 
Harcourt, l.] Come, here ; write me the bill. 

Young a What for'? 

Daz. What for ] why, to release the unfortunate man 
and his family, to be sure, from jail. 
. Young C. Who is he 1 

Daz. Yourself. 

Young C. But I haven't fifteen children ! 

Daz. Will you take your oath of that ? 

Young C. Nor four wives. 

Daz. More shame for you, with all that family. Come, 
don't be obstinate ; write and date it back. 

Young C. Ay, but where is the stamp 1 

Daz. Here they are, of all patterns. [Pulls out a pochcf- 
book.\ I keep them ready drawn in case of necessity, all 
but the date and acceptance. Now, if you are in an auto- 
graphic humour, you can try how your signature will look 
across half-a-dozen of them ; — there — write — exactly — you 
know the place — across — good — and thank youi lucky stars 
♦hat you have found a friend at last, that gives you money 
3M.f\ advice. [Takes paper and exit, l. 

Young C. Things are approaching to a climax ; I must 
appear in propria 2)crsona — and immediately — but I must 
first ascertain what are the real sentiments of this riddle oi 
a woman. Does she love me ] I flatter myself — by Jove 
here she comes — I shall never have such an opportunity 
tgaio I 



42 LONDON ASSURANCE. [At'T 1X1 

Enter Grace, l. 

Grace. I wish I bad never seen Mr, Hamilt 3n. ^Vhy 
does every object appear robbed of the charm it once pre- 
sented to me % Why do I shudder at the contemplation of 
this marriage, which, till now, was to me a subject of in- 
difference ] Am I in love 1 In love ! if I am, my past 
life has been the work of raising up a pedestal to place my 
own folly on — I — the infidel — the railer ! 

Young C. Meditating upon matrimony, madam ] 

Grace. [Aside.] He little thinks he was the subject of 
my meditations ! [Aloud.] No. 

Young C. [Aside.] I must unmask my battery now. 

Grace. [Aside.] How foolish I am — he will perceive that 
I tremble — 1 must appear at ease. [Ajjause. 

Young C. Eh ? ah ! um ! 

Grace. Ah! [They sink into silence again. Aside.] How 
very awkward ! 

Young C. Inside.] It is a very difficult subject to begin 
[Aloud.] Madam — ahem — there v/as — is — I mean — I was 
about to remark — a — [jlsidc.] Hang me if it is not a very 
slippery subject. I must brush up my faculties ; attack 
her in her own way. [Aloud.] Sing! oh, muse! [Aside.] 
Why, I have made love before to a hundred women ! 

Grace. [Aside.] I wish 1 had something to do, for I have 
nothing to say. 

Young G. Madam — there is — a subject so fraught with 
fate to my future life, that you must pardon my lack of de- 
licacy should a too hasty expression mar the fervent cour- 
tesy of its intent. To you, 1 feel aware, I must a])pear in 
the light of a comparative stranger. 

Grace. [Aside.] I know what's coming. 

Young C. Of you — I know perhaps too much for my 
own peace. 

Grace. [Aside.] He is in love. 

Young C. I forget all that befel before I saw your beau- 
teous self; I seem born into another world — my nature 
changed — the beams of that bright face falling on my soul, 
have, from its chaos, warmed into life the flowrets of affec- 
tion, v.'hose maiden odours now float toward the sun, pour- 
ing forth on their pure tongue a mite of adoration, midst 



SCEHE I.] LONDON ASbUKANCE 43 

the voices of a universe. [Aside.] That's something in her 
own style. 

Grace. Mr. Hamilton ! 

Youn^ C. You cannot feel surpi»isecl — — 

Grace. I am more thansurpiised. [^^side.] I am delight- 
ed. 

Young G. Do not speak so coldly. 

Grace. You have offended me. 

Young C. No, madam ; no woman, whatever her state, 
can be offended by the adoration even of the meanest ; it 
is myself whom 1 have offended and deceived — but still I 
ask your pardon. 

Grace. [Aside.] Oh ! he thinks I am refusing him. 
[Aloud.] I am not exactly offended, but 

Young G. Conskler my position — a few days — and an 
insurmountable barrier would have placed you beyond my 
wildest hopes — you would have been my moliher. 

Grace. I should have been your mother ! [Aside.] 1 
thought so. 

Young C. No — that is, I meant Sir Harcourt Courtly's 
bride. 

Grace. [ WitJi great empJiasis.] Never ! 

Young C. How ! never ! may I then hope ? — you turn 
away — you would not lacerate me by a refusal ] 

Grace. [Aside.] How stupid he is ! 

Young C. Still silent ! I thank you, Miss Grace — -I 
ought to have expected this — fool that 1 have been — one 
course alone remains — farewell ! 

Grace. [Aside.] Now he's going. 

Young C. Farewell forever ! [SitsI] Will you not speak 
one word ] I shall leave this house immediately — I shall 
not see you again. 

Grace. Unhand me, sir, I insist. 

Young C. [Aside.] Oh ! what an ass I've been ! [Rushes 
up to her and seizes her hand.] Release this hand ] Never ! 
never ! [Kissing it.] Never will I quit this hand ! it shall 
be my companion in misery — in solitude — when you are 
far away. 

Grace. Oh ! should any one come ! [Drops Jier handker- 
chief ; he stoops to ^^/c'/f it vp.] For heaven's sake do not 
kueel. 

Ycvng C. [Kneels.] Forever thus prostrate, Defore my 



44 LONDON ASSURANCE [Act III 

sours saint, 1 will lead a pious life of eternal acoration. 

Grace. Should we be discovered thus — pray, Mr. Hamil- 
ton — pray — pray. 

Young O. Pray ! I am praying ; what more can 1 do 1 

Grace. Your conduct is shameful. 

Young C. It is, [Rises. 

Grace. And if I do not scream, it is not for your sake— 
that — but it might alarm the family. 

Young C. It might — it would. Say, am I wholly indif- 
ferent to you 1 I entreat one word — I implore you — do 
not withdraw your hand — [She snatclics it away — he puts his 
around her ivaist.] You smile. 

Grace. Leave me, dear Mr. Hamilton ! 

Young C. Dear 1 Then 1 am dear to you ; that word 
once more ; say — say you love me ! 

Grace. Is this fair 1 

[He catches her in his arms and kisses her. 

Enter Lady Gay Spanker, r. 

Lady Gay. Ha ! oh ! 

Grace. Gay ! destruction ! [Exit, l 

Young C. Fizgig ! The devil ! 

Lady Gay. Don't mind me — pray, don't let me be any 
interruption ! 

Young C. I was just 

Lady Gay. Yes, I see you were. 

Young C. Oh ! madam, how could you mar my bliss in 
the very ecstacy of its fulfilment ] 

Lady Gay. 1 always like to be in at the death. Never 
drop your ears ; bless you, she is only a little fresh — give 
her her head, and she will outrun herself 

Young C. Possibly ; but what am I to do ? 

Lady Gay. Keep your seat. 

Young C. But in a few days she will take a leap that 
must throw me — she marries Sir Harcourt Courtly. 

Lady Gay. Why, that is awkward, certainly ; bi t you 
can challenge him, and shoot him. 

Young C. Unfortunately, that is out of the question. 

Lady Gay. How so 1 

Young C. You will not betray a secret, if I inform you 1 

Lady Gay. All right — what is it ? 

Young C. I am his son. 



fiCSHBl.] LOx\DON ASSURANCE. 46 

Lady Gay. What — his son ? But he does net know 
you ] 

Young C. No. 1 met him here by char.ce, and faced it 
out, I never saw him before in my life. 

Lady Gay. Beautiful ! — I see it all — you're in love with 
your mother, that should be — your w^ife, that will be. 

Young C. Now, 1 think I could distance the old gentle- 
man, if you will but lend us your assistance. 

Lady Gay. I will in anytiiing. 

Young C. You must know, then, that my father, Sir Har- 
court, has fallen desperately in love with you. 

Lady Gay. With me ! — [Uticrs a scream of deliglit,\ — 
That is delicious ! 

Young C. Now, if you only could 

Lady Gay. Could ! — I will. Ha ! ha ! I see my cue, 
I'll cross his scent — I'll draw him after me. Ho ! ho ] 
won't I make love to him 1 Ha ! 

Young C. The only objection might be Mr. Spanker 
who might 

Lady Gay. No, he mightn't, he 'as no objection. Bless 
him, he's an inestimable little character — you don't know 
him as well as I do. I dare say — ha ! ha ! [Dinner-bell 
rings.\ Here they come to dinner. I'll commence my 
operations on your governo- immediately. Ha! ha! how 
I shall enjoy it. 

Young C. Be guarded ! 

Enter Max Harkaway, Sir Harcourt, Dazzle, Grace 
and Spanker, l. 

Max. Now, gentlemen — Sir Harcourt, do you lead 
Grace. 

Lady Gay. I believe Sir Harcourt is engaged to me. 

[Ta/xcs his arm. 
Max. Well, please yourselves. 
[They -^Je out, Max Jirst, Young Courtly and G*ac* 
Sir Harcourt coquetting unth Lady Gay, leaving 
Dazzle who ojfers his arm to Sjianker 



END OF ACT III 



46 LONDON ASSURANCE. lAc? l? 



A C T I V 

Scene I. — A handsome Draicing-Room in Cafe Hall, cJian 
deliers, tahlcs with hooks, drawings, ^r. Grace and La* 
DY Gay discovered. Servant handing Coffee. 

Grace. If there be one habit more abominable than ano- 
ther, it is that of the gentlemen sitting over their wine : 
it is a selfish, unfeeling fashion, and a gross insult to our 
Bex. 

Lady Gay. We are turned out just when the fun begins. 
How happy the poor wretches look at the contemplation 
of bsing rid of us. 

Grace. The conventional signal for the ladies to with- 
draw, is anxiously and deliberately waited for. 

Lady Gay. Then I begin to wish I were a man. 

Grace. The instant the door is closed upon us, there rises 
a roar ! 

Lady Gay. In celebration of their short-lived liberty, my 
love ; rejoicing over their emancipation. 

Grace. I think it very insulting, whatever it may be. 

Lad^y Gay. Ah ! my dear, philosophers say that man is 
tlie creature of an hour — it is the dinner hour, I suppose. 
[Loud noise. Cries of * A song, a song.' 

Grace. I am afraid they are getting too pleasant to be 
agreeable. 

Lady Gay. I hope the squire will restrict himself ; after 
his third bottle, he becomes rather voluminous. [Cries of 
* Silence.'] Some one is going to sing. [Jiwips up.] Let ua 
hear ! [Spaiiker is heard to sing. 

Grace. Oh, no, Gay, for heaven's sake ! 

Lady Gay. Oho ! ha ! ha ! why, that is my Dolly. [A. 
the conclusion of the verse.] Well, I never heard my Dolly 
sing before ! Happy wretches, how I envy them ! 



Enter James, l., witJi a note. 

James. Mn Hamilton has just left the house for Lor don, 

Grace. Impossible ! — that is, without seeing — that is— 

Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! 

Grace. He never — speak, sii ! 

James. He left. Miss Grace, in a desperate hurry, and 



BCEWJ 1. 1 LONDON ASSURANCE 47 

this iiote, I believe, for you. [Presenting a note on a salver 

Grace. For me ! - [About to snatch it, hut rcstraming her' 
self, takes it coolly. Exit James. 

[Reads.'] * Your manner during dinner has left me no alter- 
native but instant departure ; my absence will release you from 
the oppression which my society must necessarily inflict on your 
sensitive mind. It may tend also to smother, though it can ne- 
ver extinguish, that indomitable passion, of which I am the pas- 
sive victim. Dare I supplicate pardon and oblivion for the past? 
It is the last request of the self-deceived, but still loving 

' Augustus Hamilton.' 
[Puts her hand to her forehead and appears giddy. 

Lady Gay. Hallo, Grace ! what's the matter % 

Grace. [Recoveri?ig herself] Nothing — the heat of the 
room. 

Lady Gay. Oh ! what excuse does he make 1 particulai 
unforeseen business, I suppose 1 

Grace. Why, yes — a mere formula — a — a — you may 
put it in the fire. [Puts it in her hosom. 

Lady Gay. [Aside?^ It is near enough to the fire where 
it is. 

Grace. I'm glad he's gone. 

Lady Gay. So am I. 

Grace. He was a disagreeable, ignorant person. 

Lady Gay. Yes ; and so vulgar ! 

Grace. No, he was not at all vulgar. 

Lady Gay. I mean in appearance. 

Grace. Oh ! how can you say so ; he was very distmgut. 

Lady Gay. Well, I might have been mistaken, but I 
took him for a forward, intrusive 

Grace. Good gracious, Gay ! he was very retiring — even 
shy. 

Lady Gay. [Aside.] It's all right. She is in love, — 
blows hot and cold in the same breath. 

Grace. How can you be a competent judge ? Why, 
you have not known him more than a few hours, — while I 
—I 

Lady Gay. Have known bin two days and a quarter! 
I yield — I confess, I never was, Dr will be so intimate with 
him as you appeared to be ! H \ ! ha ! [Loud noise of 
arguiJient. The foldi?ig-doors are thrown open. 

Enter the whole party of gentlemen, apparently engaged in 



48 I.ONIJON ASSURANCE. ^Acr if 

icar7n discussion. Theij assetnhle in hiots, while t?.e Ser* 
rants hand Cojft'c, ^"c. Max, Sir Harcourt, Dazzle, 
and Spanker, together. 

Daz. But, my Jear sir, consider llic posilioii of ihe two 
countries, under such a constitution. 

Sir II. The two countries ! What have they to do with 
tlic subject. 

Max. Everything. Look at their two legislative bonies. 

Span. Ay, look at their two legislative bodies. 

Sir H. Why, it would inevitably establish universal an 
archy and confusion. 

Grace. I think they are pretty well established already. 

Sjmn. Well, suppose it did, what has anarch}- and con- 
fusion to do with tlie subject % 

Lad]/ Gay. Do look at my Dolly : he is arguing — talk- 
ing politics — 'pon my life he is. [Calling.^ Mr. Spanker 
my dear ! 

Span. Excuse me, love, I am discussing a point of im 
portance. 

luadv Gay. Oh, that is delicious; he must discuss that 
to me. — \She goes vp and leads him down, he appears is 
have shaken off his gaiicherie, she shahcs her head.] Dolly ! 
Dolly ! 

Span. Pardon me, Lady Gay Spanker, I conceive your 
mutilation of my sponsorial appellation derogatory to my 
amour propre. 

Lady Gay. Your what ? Ho! hot 

Span. And I particularly request that, for the future, J 
may not be treated with that cavalier spirit which does not 
become your sex nor your station, your ladyship. 

Lady Gay. You have been indulging till you have lost 
the little wit nature dribbled into your unfortunate little 
head — your brains want the whipper-in — you are not your- 
self. 

Span. Madam, I am doubly myself; and permit me to 
inform you, that unless you voluntarily pay obedience to 
my commands, I shall enforce them. 

Lady Gay. Your commands ! 

Span. Yes, madam; I mean to put a full stop to your 
hunting. 

Lady Gay. You do ! ah ! [Aside.] I can scarcely apeak 



ScKSBl.^ LONDON ASSURANCE 49 

from delight. [Aloud.] Who put such an idea into your 
head, for I am sure it is not an original emanation of your 
genius 1 

Span, Sir Harcourt Courtly, my friend ; and now, mark 
aie ! I request, for your own sake, that I. may not be com- 
pelled to assfyrt my a — my authority, as your husband. I 
shall say "uo more than this^f you persist in your absurd 
"obellioii-- 

Ladv >'ay. Well ! 

Span. Contemplate a separation. 

[Looks at her haughtily and retires. 

Lady Gay. Now I'm happy ! My own little darling, 
inestimable Dolly, has tumbled into a spirit, somehow. Sir 
Harcourt, too ! Ha ! ha ! he's trying to make him ill-treat 
me, so that his own suit may thrive. 

Sir H. [Advances.] Lady Gay ! 

Lady Gay. Now for it. 

Sir H. What hours of misery were those I passed, when, 
by your secession, the room suffered a total eclipse. 

Lady Gay. Ah ! you flatter. 

Sir H. No, pardon me, that were imposF^ble. No, be- 
lieve me, I tried to join in the boisterous n*/rth,. but my 
thoughts would desert to the drawing-room. Ah ! how I 
envied the careless levity and cool indifference with which 
Mr. Spanker enjoyed your absence. 

Daz. [ Who is lounging in a chair.] Max, that Madeira 
is worth its weight in gold ; I hope you have more of it. 

Max. A pipe, I think. 

Daz. I consider a magnum of that nectar, and a meer- 
schaum of kanaster, to consummate the ultimatum of ai! 
mundane bliss. To drown myself in liquid ecstacy, and 
then blow a cloud on which the enfranchised soul could 
soar above Olympus. — Oh ! 

jEJw^cr James, L. 

James. Mr. Charles Courtly ! 

Sir H. Ah, n^w, Max, you must see a living apology few 
my conduct. 

Enter Young Courtly, dressed very 'plainly 

Well, Charles, how are you 1 Don't be afraid There, 
Max, what do you say now 1 



60 . LOMON ASSUKj^NCE. 



[Act it. 



MaiJC. Well, this is tlie most extraordinary likeness. 

Grace. [Aside.] Yes — considering it is the oiiginal. I 
am not so easily deceived ! 

Max. Fir, I am delighted to see you. 

Young C. Thank you, sir. 

Daz. Will you be kind enough to introduce me. Sir Har 
court 1 

Sir IL This is Mr. Dazzle, Charles. 

Young C. Which ? \hooking from Spanker to Dazzle 

Sir H. [To Lady Gay.] Is not that refreshing] Miss 
liarkaway — Charles, this is your mother, or rather will be. 

Young C. Madam, I shall love, honour, and obey you 
punctually. [Takes out a book, sighs, and goes up reading. 

Enter James, l. 

Sir H. You perceive ? Quite unused to society — per- 
fectly ignorant of every conventional rule of. life. 

James. The Doctor and the young ladies have arrived. 

- [Exit, L. 

Max. The young ladies — now we must to the ball — I 
make it a rule always to commence the festivities with a 
good old country dance — a rattling Sir Roger dc' Coverly ; 
come. Sir Harcourt. 

Sir II. Does this antiquity require a war-whoop in it 1 

3Iax. Nothing but a nimble foot and a light heart. 

Sir H. Yery antediluvian indispensables ! Lady Gay 
Spanker, will you honour me by becoming my preceptor ? 

Lady Gay. Why, I am engaged — but [Aloud] on such 
a plea as Sir Harcourt's, I must v^^aive all obstacles. 

Max. Now, Grace, girl — give your hand to Mr. Courtly. 

Grace. Pray, excuse me, uncle — I have a headache. 

Sir H. [Aside.] Jealousy ! by the gods. — Jealous of my 
devotions at another's fane ! [Alo7id.] Charles my boy ! 
amuse Miss Grace during our absence. 

[Exit with Lady Gay, L. 

Max. But don't you dance, Mr. Courtly ! 

Young C. Dance, sir ! — I never dance— I can procure 
exercise in a much more rational manner — and music dis- 
turbs my meditations. 

Max. Well, do the gallant. ^ [Exit, l. 

Young C. I never studied that Art — but I have a Prize 
Essay on a Hydi'ostatic subject, which wovld delight her 



§fcMEl.] LOiNTON ASSURANCE. 61 

•—for it enchanted the Reverend Doctor Pump, of Ccrpua 
Christi. 

Grace. [Aside.^ What on earth could have induced him 
to disguise himself in that frightful way ! — I rather suGpect 
some plot to entrap me into a confession. 

Young C. [Aside.] Dare I confess this trick to her ] 
No ! Not until I have proved her affection indisputably. 
Let me see — I must concoct. [ Takes a chair, and. forgetting 
his assumed cJiaracter, is ahout to take his natural free man- 
ner. — Grace looks surprised. — He turn abashed.] Madam, I 
have been desired to amuse you. 

Grace. Thank you. 

Young C. ' The labour we delight in, physics pain.' — 
I will draw you a moral, ahem ! Subject, the effects of 
inebriety ! — which, according to Ben Jonson — means per- 
plexion of the intellects, caused by imbibing spirituous li- 
quors. — About an hour before my arrival, I passed an ap- 
palling evidence of the effects of this state — a carriage was 
overthrown — horses killed — gentleman in a hopeless state, 
with his neck broken — all occasioned by the intoxication 
of the post-boy. 

Grace. That is very amusing. 

Young C. I found it edifying — nutritious food for re- 
flection — the expiring man desired his best complimeTit« 
to yo«. 

Grace. To me 1 

Young C. Yes. . 

Grace. His name was — 

Young C. Mr. Augustus Hamilton. 

Grace. Augustus ! Oh ! [Affects to faint.] 

Young C. [Aside.] Huzza ! 

Grace. But where, sir, did this happen ? 

Young C. About four miles down the road. 

Grace. He must be conveyed here. 

Enter Servant, l. 

Serv. Mr. Meddle, madam. Htttt, & 

Enter Meddle, l. 

Med. On very particular 'business. 
Grace. Tha very person. My dear sir \ 
Med. My dear madam ! . 



52 LONDON ASSURANCE. 



[AiT IV 



Grace. You m us execute a very particular ccmmission 
lor me immediately. Mr. Hamilton has met with a fright 
tul accident on the Loi.don road, and is in a dying state. 

Med. Well ! I have no hesitation in saying, he takes it 
uncommonly easy — he looks as if he was used to it. 

Graze. You mistake : that is not Mr. Hamilton, but Mr 
Courtly, who will exp.ain everything, and conduct you to 
the spot. 

Young C. [Aside.] Uh ! I must put a stop to all this, ei 
I shall be found out. — [Aloud.] Madam, that were useless, 
for I omitted to mention a small fact which occurred be- 
fore I left Mr, Hamilton — he died. 

Grace. Dear me ! Oh, then we needn't trouble you, Mr. 
Meddle. [3Iusic heard.] Hark! I hear they are commen- 
cing a waltz — if you will ask me — perhaps your society 
and conversation may tend to dispel the dreadful sensa- 
tions you have aroused. 

Young C. [Aside.] Hears of my death — screams out — 
and then asks rne to waltz ! I am bewildered ! Can sho 
suspect me ] I wonder which she likes best — me or my 
double ] Confound this disguise — I must retain it — 1 have 
g^ne too far with my dad to pull up now. — At your ser- 
ice, madam. 

Grace. [Aside.] 1 will j^ay him well for this trick ! 

[Exeunt, l., all but Meddle. 

Med. Well, if that is not Mr. Hamilton, scratch me out 
with a big blade, for I am a blot — a mistake upon the rolls. 
There is an error in the pleadings somewhere, and I will 
discover it. I would swear to his identity before the most 
discriminating jury. By the bye, this accident will form a 
capital excuse for my presence here. I just stepped in to 
see how matters worked, and — stay — here comes the bride- 
groom elect — and, oh ! in his very arms. Lady Gay Span- 
ker ! [Ltooks round.] Where are my witnesses 1 Oh, vhat 
Bome one else were here ! However, I can retire and grt 
Bome information, eh — Spanker versus Courtly — damages 
—"Witness. ^.Gets into an arm-chair, which he turns round. 

Enter Sir Harcourt Courtly, supjwrting Lat^v G-ay, L. 
Sir II. This cool room will iccover you. 
Lad?/ Gay. Excuse my trusting to you for support. 
Sir II I am iranspor'od 1 \llow' me thus ever to eiip 



fiCEWB IJ LONDON ASSURANCE, 4. J 

port this lovely burden, and I shall conceive t > dise 

is regained. [They sit.] 

Lady Gay. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, I feel ven faint. 

Sir H. The waltz made you giddy. 

Lady Gay. And I have left my salts in the other room. 

Sir II. I always carry a flacon, for the express accom 
modation of the fair sex. [Producing a smelling-hottle.\ 

Lady Gay. Thank you — ah! [She sighs.] 

Sir H. What a sigh was there ! 

Lady Gay. The vapour of consuming grief. 

Sir H. Grief? Is it possible ! Have you a grief? Arfi 
you unhappy 1 Dear me ! 

Lady Gay. Am I not married 1 

Sir H. What a horrible state of existence ! 

Lady Gay. I am never contradicted, so there are none 
of those enlivening, interesting Iktle differences, which so 
pleasingly diversify the monotony of conjugal life, like 
spots of verdure— no quarrels, like oases in the desert of 
matrimony — no rows. 

Sir H. How vulgar ! what a brute ! 

Lady Gay. I never have anything but my own way ; 
and he won't permit me to spend more than 1 like. 

Sir H. Mean-spirited wretch ! 

Ludy Gay. How can I help being miserable % 

Sir H. Miserable ! I wonder you are not in a lunatic 
asylum, with such unheard-of barbarity ! 

Lady Gay. Bv<: worse than all that! 

Sir H Can ' , be out-heroded ] 

Lady Gay. f es, I could forgive that — I do — it is my 
duty. But OT y imagine — picture to yourself, my dear Sir 
Harcourt, th« agh I, the third daughter of an Earl, married 
him out of prty for his destitute and helpless situation aa 
a bachelor with ten thousand a year — conceive, if you 
can — he actually permits me, with the most placid indiffer- 
ence, to flirt with any old fool I may meet. 

Sir H. Good gracious ! miserable idiot ! 

Lady Gay. I fear there is an incon.patibility of temper, 
which renders a separation inevitable. 

Sir H. Indispensable, my dear madam ! Ah ! had I 
been the happy possessor of such a realm of bliss — what a 
beatific eternity unfolds itself to my extending imagina- 
tion ! Had another man but looked at you, I should have 



54 * LONDON ASSURANCE. * [^^r f"? 

annihilated him at once ; and if he had the temerity to 
speak, his life alone could have expiated his crime. 

Lady Gaj/. Oh, an existence of such a nature is too 
bright for the eye of thought — too sweet to bear refiec 
tion. 

Sir H. My devotion, eternal, deep 

Lady Gay. Oh, Sir Harcourt ! 

Sir JI. [More Jerven fly.] Your every thought should be 
a separate study, — each wish forestalled by the quick ap- 
prehension of a kindred soul. 

Lady Gay. Alas ! how can I avoid my fate 1 

Sir H. If a life — a heart — were offered to your astonish- 
ed view by one who is considered the index of fashion — 
the vane of the heau moiidc, — if you saw him at your feet, 
begging, beseeching your acceptance of all, and more than 
this, what would your answer 

Lady Gay. Ah ! I know of none so devoted ! 

Sir H. You do ! [Throwivg himself upon his k77ees.\ Be- 
hold Sir Harcourt Courtly ! [Meddle jumps up in the chair. 

Lady Gay. [Aside.] Ha! ha! Yoicks ! Puss has bro- 
ken cover. 

Sir H. Speak, adored, dearest Lady Gay ! — speak — will 
you fly from the tyranny, the wretched misery of such a 
monster's roof, and accept the soul which lives but in your 
presence ! 

Lady Gay. Do not press me. Oh, spare a weak, yield- 
ing woman, — be contented to know that you are, alas ! 
too dear to me. But the world — the world would say — 

Sir H. Let us be a precedent, to open a more extended 
and liberal view of matrimonial advantages to society. 

Lady Gay. How irresistible is your argument ! Oh ! 
pause ! 

Sir H. I have ascertained for a fact, that every trades- 
man of mine lives with his wife, and tins you see it has 
become a vulgar and plebeian custom. 

Lady Gay. Leave n^e ; I feel 1 cannot withstand your 
powers of persuasion. Swear that you will never forsake 
me. 

Sir H. Dictate the oath. May I grow wrinkled, — may 
two inches be added to the circumference of my waist, — 
may 1 lose the fall in my back, — may I be old and ugly the 
instant forego one tithe of adoration ! 



ScsHC 1 LONDON ASSURANCE. • 05 

Lady Gay. I must believe you. 

Sir H, Shall we leave this detestable spot — this hoixible 
vicinity 1 

Lady Gay. The sooner the bettev": to'-niorrow evening 
Jet it be. Now let me return ; my absence will be remark- 
ed. [He kisses her hand.\ Do I appear confused \ Has my 
agitation rendered me unfit to enter the room 1 

Sir H. More angelic by a lovely tinge of heigVtened co- 
lour. 

Lady Gay. To-mon-ow, in this room, which opens on 
the lawn. 

Sir H. -At eleven o'clock. 

Lady Gay. Have your carriage in waiting, and four 
horses. Remember, .please be particular to have four; 
don't let the affair come off shabbily. Adieu, dear Sir 
Harcourt ! [Exit, l. 

Sir II. Veni, vidi, vici ! Hannibal, Caesar, Napoleon, 
Alexander never completed so fair a conquest in so short 
a time. She dropped fascinated. This is an unprecedent- 
ed example of the irresistible force of personal appearance 
combined with polished address. Poor creature ! how she 
loves me ! I pity so prostrating a passion, and ought to 
return it. I will : it is a duty I owe to society and fashion 

[Exit, L. 

Med. [Turns the chair roufid.] * There is a tide in the af- 
fairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortai/ty. 
This is my tide — 1 am the only witness. ' Virtue is sure to 
find its own reward.' But I've no time to contemplate 
what I shall be — something huge. Let me see — Spanker 
versus Courtly — Crim. Con. — Damages placed at .150,000/. 
at least, for juries always decimate your hopes. 

Enter Spanker, l. 

Span. I cannot find Gay anywhere, 

Med. The plaintiff himself—I m.ust commence the action. 
Mr. Spanker, as 1 have information of deep vital importance 
toimpart, will you take a seat I [They mt sol 'ranly. Med- 
die takes out a note-hook and ]^encil.] Ahem ! You have I 
wife! 

Re-enter Lady Gay behind^ l. 

Sfon. Yes 1 oelieve, I •• 



56 LONDON ASSURANCE. ^ Act IV 

31ed. Will you be kind enough, without any prevarica* 
tion, to answer my questions "i 

Span. You alaiTn — I 

MeJ. Compose yourself and reserve your feelings ; take 
time to consider. You have a wife ] 

Span, Yes 

Med. He has a wife — good — a hona-jide wife — bound 
morally and legally to be your wife, and nobody else's in 
effect, except on your written permission 

Span. But what has this 

Med. Hush ! allow me, my dear sir, to congratulate you. 

\^Shakes-his hand. 

Span. What for] 

Med. Lady Gay Spanker is about to dishonor the bond 
vf wedlock by eloping from you. 

Span. [Siarii?ig.] What ? 

Med, Be patient — I thought you would be overjoyed. 
Place the affair in my hands, and 1 will venture to promise 
the largest damages on record. 

^an. Damn the damages ! — I want my wife. Oh, I'll 
go and ask her not to run away. She may run away with 
me — she may liunt — she may ride — anything she likes. 
Oh, sir, let us put a stop to this affair. 

Med. Put a stop to it ! do not alarm me, sir. Sir, you 
will spoil the most exquisite brief that was ever penned. 
It must proceed — it shall proceed. It is illegal to prevent 
it, and 1 will bring an action against you for wilful intent 
to injure the profession. 

Span. Oh, what an ass I am ! Oh, I have driven her to 
this. It was all that damned, brandy punch on the top of 
Burgundy. What a fool I was ! 

Med. It was the happiest moment of your life. 

^pan. So I thought at the time ; but we live to grow 
wiser. Tell me, who is the vile seducer ? 

Med. Sir Harcourt Courtly. 

Span. Ha ! he is my best friend, 

Med. I should think he is. U you will accompany rao 
— here is a verbatim copy of the whole transaction m 
short-hand — sworn to by me. 

Span. Only let me have Gay back again. 

Med. Even thai; may be aiTanged : — this way. 

Span, That ©veJ' I should live to see my wife run away* 



.SCEWC 1.) LONDON ASSURANCE. 57 

Oh, I will do any thing — keep two packs oi I unds — buy 
up every horse and ass in England — myself int. luded — oh ! 

[Exit Span, aid Med. l. 
Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Dolly ! I'm sorry I must 
continue to- deceive him. If he would kindle up a little— 
So, that fellow overheard all^well, so much the better. 

Enter Young Courtly, r. 

Young C. My dear madam, how fares the plot 1 does 
my governor nibble 1 

Lady Gay. Nibble ! he is caught and in the basket. I 
have just left him with a hook in his gills, panting for very 
lack of element. But how goes on your encounter 1 

Young C. Bravely. By a simple ruse, I have discover- 
ed that she loves me. I see but one chance against the 
best termination I could hope. 

Lady Gay. What is that ] 

Yonng C. My father has told me that I return to town 
again to-morrow afternoon. 

Lady Gay. Well, I insist you stop and dine — keep out 
of the way. 

Young C. Oh, but what excuse shall I offer for disobe- 
dience ] What can I say when he sees me before dinner! 

Lady Gay. Say — say Grace. 

Enter Grace, i,., and gets hcliind tlie winaoiv curtains. 

Young C. Ha ! ha ! 

Lady Gay. 1 have arranged to elope with Sir Harcourl 
myself to-morrow night. 

Young C. The deuce you have ! 

Lady Gay, Now if you could persuade Grace to follow 
that example — his carriage will be waiting at the Park — 
be there a little before eleven, and it will just prevent out 
escape Can you make her agree to that ] 

Young C. Oh, without the slightest difficulty, if Mr 
Augustus Hamilton supplicates. 

Lady Gay. Success attend you. [Going.] 

Young C. I will bend the haughty Grace. [Going.] 

Lady Gay. Do. [Exeunt severally, 

f^ace. Will you \ 

END jP act IV 



G6 LONDON ASSURANCE rAcv¥ 

ACT V . 
Scene I. — J. Drawing-Room in Oak Hall. 

Enter Cool, l. 

Cool, This is the most serious affair Sir Harcourt hafi 
aver been engaged in. I took the liberty of considering 
nim a fool when he told me he was going to marry : but 
voluntarily to incur another man's incumbrance is very 
little short of madness. If he continues to conduct himself 
in this absurd manner, I shall be compelled to dismiss him. 

. Entci' Sir Harcourt, "L.^-eqidjpjped for travelling. 

Sir H. Cool ! 

Cool. Sir Harcourt. 

Sir II. Is my chariot in waiting? 
. Cool. For the last half hour at the park wicket. But, 
pardon the insinuation, sir ; would it not be more advisable 
to hesitate a little for a short reflection before you under- 
take the heavy responsibility of a woman ] 

Sir H. No : hesitation destroys the romance of a faux 
pas, and reduces it to the level of a mere mercantile cal- 
culation. 

Cool. What is to be done with Mr. Charles 1 

Sir H. Ay, much against my will, Lady Gay prevailed 
on me to permit him to remain. You, Cool, must return 
him to College. Pass through London, and deliver these 
papers: here is a small notice of the coming elopement for 
the Morning Post ; this, by an eye-witness, for the Herald; 
this, with all the particulars, for the Chronicle ; and the full 
and circumstantial account for the evening journals — after 
which, meet us at Boulogne. 

Cool. Very good. Sir Harcourt. [Going. 

Sir H. Lose no time. Remember — Hotel Anglais, Bou- 
logne-sur-Mer. And, Cool, bring a few copies with you, 
and don't forget to distribute some amongst very particular 
friends. 

Cool. It shall be done. [Exit, l. 

" Sir H. With what indifference does a man of the world 
** view the approach of the most perilous catastrophe ! My 
" position, hazardous us it i» entails none of that nervous 



Scene L J« 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 69 



" excitement which a neophyte in the sr.nool of fashion 
' would feel. I am as cool and steady as possible. Ifa- 
" bit, habit ! Oh ! how many roses will fade upon the cheek 
"of beauty, when the defalcation of Sir Harcourt Courtly 
" is whispered — then hinted — at last, confirmed and bruit- 
"ed. I think I see them. Then, on my return, they will 
* not dare to eject me — I am their sovereign ! Whoever 
"attempts to think of treason, I'll banish him from the 
" West End — I'll cut him — I'll put him out of fashion 1" 

Enter Lady Gay, l. 

Lady Gay. Sir Harcourt 1 

Sir H. At your feet. 

Lady Gay. I had hoped you would have repented. 

Sir H. Repented ! 

Lady Gay. Have you not come to say it was a jest t— 
say you have ! 

Sir H. Love is too sacred a subject to be trifled with. 
Come, let us fly ! See, 1 have procured disguises 

Lady Gay. My courage begins to fail me. Let me re- 
turn. 

Sir H. Impossible ! 

Lady Gay. Where do you intend to take me ? 

Sir H. You shall be my guide. The carriage waits. 

Lady Gay. You will never desert me 1 

Sir H. Desert ! Oh, Heavens ! Nay, do not hesitate 
— flight, now, alone is left to your desperate situation f 
Come, every moment is laden with danger. 

[ They are going » 

Lady Gay. Oh ! gracious ! 

Sir H. Hush i what is it ? 

Lady Gay. I have forgotten — I must return. 

Sir H. Impossible ! 

Lady Gay. I must ! I must ! I have left Max — a pet 
staghound, in his basket — without whom, life would be 
unendurable — I could not exist ! 

Sir 11. No, no. Let him be sent after us in a hamper. 

Lady Gay. In a hamper! Remorseless man! Go— « 
you l<»ve me not. How would you like to be sent after 
tae — inahanrperl Let me fetch him. Hark! I hear 
him squeal ! Oh ! Max — Max ! 

Sir IL Hush ! for Heaven's sake. They'll imagine 



GO LONDON ASSURANCE , [Act V 

you're calling the Squire. I hear footsteps : where can I 
retire 1 \Goes up, e. 

Enter Meddle, Spanker, Dazzle, and Max, l. Lady 

Gay screams. 

Med Spanker versus Courtly ! — I subpoena every ono 
of you as witnesses ! — I have 'em ready — here they are — 
shilling a-piece. [Giving them round 

Lady Gay. Where is Sir Harcourt 1 

Med. There !— «-bear witness ! — call on the vile delin 
quent for protection ! 

Span. Oh ! his protection !' 

Lady Gay. What ] ha ! 

Med. I'll swear I overheard the whole elopement plan* 
ned — before any jury ! — where's the book 1 

Span. Do you hear, you profligate ] 

Lady Gay. Ha! ha! ha! ha! 

Daz. But where is this wretched Lothario 1 

Med. Ay, where is the defendant 1 

Span. Where lies the hoary villain 1 

Lady Gay. What villain % 

Span. That will not serve you ! — I'll not be blinded that 
way ! 

Med. We won't be blinded any way ! 

Max. I must seek Sir Harcourt, and demand an expla- 
nation ! Such a thing never occurred in Oak Hall before 
— It must be cleared up ! [Exit, k 

Med. [Aside to Spanker.] Now, take my advice ; remem- 
ber your gender. Mind the notes I have given you. 

Span. [Aside.] All right ! Here they are ! Now, ma- 
dam, I have procured the highest legal opinion on this 
point. 

Med. Hear ! hear ! 

Span. And the question resolves itself into a — into— 
What's this 1 [Looks at notes. 

Med. A nutshell ! 

Span. Yes, we are in a nutshell. Will you, in every 
respect, subscribe to my requests — desires — commands— 
yuook^ at notes] — orders — imperative — indicative — injunc- 
tive — or otherwise % 

Lady Gay. [Aside.] 'Pon my life, he's actually going to 
■nume the ribl>ors, and take the box-seat. I must i^nl. 8 



SciiKEl.j LONDON ASSURANCE 61 

Btop to this. 1 will ! It w'Jl all ena in smoke. I know 
Sir Harcourt would rather run than Hght ! 

Daz. Oh ! I smell powder ! — command my Eervices. 
My dear madam, can I be of any use 1 

Spon. Oh! a challenge! 1 must consult my legal ad- 
viser. 

Med. No ! impossible ! 

Daz. Pooh ! the easiest thing in life ! Leave it to me : 
What has an attorney to do with affairs of honour % — they 
are out of his element. 

Med. Cc/npromise the question ? Pull his nose ! — we 
have no objection to that. 

Daz. [Turning to Lady Gay.] Well, we have no objec- 
tion either — have we ? 

Lady Gay. No! — pull his nose — that will be something. 

Med. And, moreover, it is not exactly actionable ! 

Daz. Isn't it ! — thank you — I'll "bote down that piece of 
information — it may be useful. 

Med. How ! cheated out of my legal knowledge ] 

Lady Gay. Mr. Spanker, 1 am determined ! — I insist 
upon a challenge being sent to Sir Harcourt Courtly ! — 
and — mark me — if you refuse to fight him — I will. 

Med. Don't. Take my advice — you'll incapacit 

Lady Gay. Look you, Mr. Meddle, unless you wish me 
tO horsewhip you, hold your tongue. 

Med. What a she-tiger — I shall retire and collect my 
costs. [Exit, L. 

Lady Gay. Mr. Spanker, oblige me by writing as I dic- 
tate. 

Span. He's gone — and now 1 am defenceless ! Is this 
the fate of husbands ! — A duel ! — Is this the result of be- 
coming master of my own family ? 

Lady Gay. * Sir, the situation in which you were dis- 
covered with my wife, admits neither of explanation nor 
apology.' 

Span. Oh, yes ! but it does — I don't believe you really 
intended to run quite away. 

Lady Gay. You do not ; but I know better, I say I did ! 
and if it had not been for your unfortunate interrupt'-^n, I 
do not know where I might have been by this time. Go 
». 

Span Nor apology.' I'm writing my own death-war- 



5S LONDON /.SSURANCE. 



^Act ^ 



rani - -committing suicide on compulsion. 

Ladrj Gay. ' The bearer will arrange all preaminary 
matters ; for another day must see this sacrilege expiated 
by your life, or that ot * Yours very sincerely, 

* Dolly Spanker.' 
Now, Mr. Dazzle. [Gives it over his head. 

Daz, The document is as sacred as if it were a hundred 
pound bill. 

Lady Gay. We trust to your discretion. 

Span. His discretion ! Oh, put your head in a tiger's 
mouth, and trust to his discretion ! 

Daz. [Scaling letter, Sfc, with Span/cers seal.] My dear 
Lady Gay, matters of this kind are indigenous to my na- 
ture, independently of their pervading fascination to all 
humanity ; but this is the more especially delightful, as you 
may perceive I shall be the intimate and bosom friend of 
both parties. 

Lady Gay. Is it not the only alternative in such a case 1 

Daz. It is a beautiful panacea in any, in every case. 
I Going — returns.] By the way, where would you like this 
party of pleasure to come off? Open air shooting is plea- 
sant-enough, but if I might venture to advise, we could or- 
der half-a-dozen of that Madeira and a box of cigars into 
the billiard-room, so make a night of it; take up the irons 
every now and then ; string for first shot, and blaze away 
at one another in an amicable and gentlemanlike way ; so 
conclude the matter before the potency of the liquor could 
disturb the individuality of the object, or the smoke of the 
ciga s render the outline dubious. Does such an arrange- 
raen , coincide with your views ? 

L idy Gay. Perfectly. 

Daz. I trust shortly to be the harbinger of happy tidings. 

[Exit, L. 

Span. [Coming foward.] Lady Gay Spanker, are you 
.imbitious of becoming a widow ] 

Lady Gay. Why, Dolly, woman is at best but weak, 
and weeds become me. 

Sjmn. Female ! am I to be immolated on the altar of 
your vanity. 

Lady Gay. If you become pathetic, I shall laugh. 

Span. Farewell — base, heartless, unfeeling woman ! 

[Exit., L. 



BcbotbI.] LONDON ASSURANCE. 63 

.^ Lady Gay. Ha ! well, ao I am. I am heartless for Ijo 
is a dear, good little fellow, and I ought not to play upon 
his feelings : but 'pon my life he sounds so well up at con- 
cert pitch, that I feel disinclined to untune him. Poor 
Doll, I didn't think he cared so much about me. I will 
put him out of pain. {Exit, l. Sir Harcourt comes down. 

Sir H. I have been a fool ! a dupe to my own vanity. 
I shall be pointed at as a ridiculous old coxcomb — and so 
I am. The hour of conviction is arrived. Have I de- 
ceived myself] — Have I turned all my senses inwards 

looking towards self— always self?— and has the world 
been ever laughing at me 1 Well, if they have, I will re- 
vert the joke ;— they may say I am an old ass ; but I will 
prove that I am neither too old to repent my folly, nor 
such an ass as to flinch from confessing it. A blow' half 
met is but half felt. 

Enter Dazzle, l. 

Daz. Sir Harcourt, may I be permitted the honour of a 
few minutes' conversation with you ] 

Sir IT. With pleasure. 

Daz. Have the kindness to throw your eye over that. 

[Gives letter. 

Sir IT. [Beads.] * Situatioi] — my wife — apology — expi- 
ate—my life.' ^ Why, this is intended for a challenge. 

.Daz. Why, indeed, I am perfectly aware that tt is not 
quite en regie in the couching, for with that I had nothing 
to do; but I trust that the irregularity of the composition 
will be confounded in the beauty of the subject. 

Sir H. Mr. Dazzle, are you in earnest % 

Daz. Sir Harcourt Courtly, upon my honour I am, anu 
I hope that no previous engagement will interfere with an 
/mmediate reply in propria persona. We have fixed upon 
the billiard room as the scene of action, which I have jusi: 
seen properly illuminated in honour of the occasion ; and, 
by the bye, if your implements are not handy, I can oblige 
you with a pair of the sweetest things you ever handled — 
hair-triggered- saw grip ; heir-looms in my family. I re- 
gard them almost in the light of relations. 

Sii H. Sir, I shall avail myself of one of your relativef 
\Aside.] One of the hereditaments of my folly— I, must a 
cept it. [Aloud.] Sir, I shall be happy to meet Mr. Spankor 
at any time or place h^ may appoint. 



64 LOxXDON ASSURANCE 



lAct'? 



Daz. The sooner the better, sir. Allow me to offer you 
my arm. I see you understand these matters ; — my friend 
Spanker is wofully ignorant — miserably uneducated. 

[Exeunt, l. 
Re-enter Max, with Grace, r. 

Max. Give ye joy, girl, give ye joy. Sir Harcourt 
Coirtly must consent to waive all title to your hand in fa- 
vour of his son Charles. 

Gi'ace. Oh, indeed ! Is that the pith of your congratu- 
lation — humph ! the exchange of an old fool for a young 
one ] Pardon me if I am not able to distinguish the ad- 
vantage. 

Max. Advantage ! 

Grace. Moreover, by what right am I a transferable ci- 
pher in the family of Courtly 1 So, then, my fate is reduc- 
ed to this, to sacrifice my fortune, or unite myself with a 
worm-eaten edition of the Classics! 

Max. Why, he certainly is not such a fellow as I could 
have chosen for my little Grace ; but consider, to retain 
fifteen thousand a-year ! Now, tell me honestly — but why 
should I say Jionestly ? Speak, girl, would you rather not 
have the lad ? 

Grace. Why do you ask me 1 

Max. Why, look ye, I'm an old fellow ; another hunting 
season or two, and I shall be in at my own death — I can't 
leave you this house and land, because they are entailed, 
nor can I say I'm sorry for it, for it is a good law ; but I 
have a little box with my Grace's name upon it, where, 
since your father's death and miserly will, I have yearly 
placed a certain sum to be yours, should you refuse to ful- 
fil the conditions prescribed. 

Grace. My own dear uncle ! 

[ Clasping him round the neck. 

Max. Pooh 1 pooh ! what's to do now ? Why, it waa 
only a trifle — why, you little rogue, what are you crying 
about 1 

Grace. Nothing, but 

Max. But what 1 Come, out with it : Will you haTfl 
young Courtly 1 . 

Re-enter Ladv Gay, l. 

hady Gay, Oh ! Max, Max ! 



•CCITE I.] 



LONDON ASSURANCE W 



J^ax. Why what's amiss with you 1 

Jjady Gay. I'm a wicked woman ! 

Max. What have you done 1 

Lady Gay. Everything — oh, I thought Sir Harcourt 
w^as a coward, but now I find a man may be a coxcomb 
without being a poltroon. Just to show my husband how 
inconvenient it is to hold the ribands sometimes, I made him 
send a challenge to the old fellow, and he, to my surprise, 
accepted it, and is going to blow my Dolly's brains out in 
the billiard-room. 

Max. The devil ! 

Lady Gay. Just when I imagined I had got my whip 
hand of him again, outcomes my linch-pin — and over I go 
—oh! 

Max. I will soon put a stop to that — a duel under my 
roof! Murder in Oak Hall ! I'll shoot them, both ! 

[Exit^ L. 

Grace. Are you really in earnest % 

Lady Gay. Do you think it looks like a joke % Oh ! 
Dolly, if you allow yourself to be shot, 1 will never forgive 
you — never ! All, he is a great fool, Grace ! but I can't 
tell why, I would sooner lose my bridle hand than he 
should be hurt on my account. 

Enter Sir Harcourt, l. 

Tell me — tell me — have you shot him — is he dead — my 
dear Sir Harcourt 1 You horrid old brute — have you kill- 
ed him ] I shall never forgive myself. \Exit, l 

Grace. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, what has happened 1 

Sir H. Don't be alarmed, I be": — your uncle interrupted 
us — discharged the weapons — locked the challenger up in 
the billiard-room to cool his rage. 

Grace. Thank Heaven ! 

Sir H. Miss Grace, to apologise for my conduct were 
aseless, more especially as I am confident that no feelings 
of indignation or sorrow for my late acts are cherished by 
you ; but still, reparation is in my power, and I not only 
waive all title, right, or claim to your person or your for- 
tune, but freely admit your power to bestow them on a 
more worthy object. 

Grace. This generosity. Sir Harcourt, is most unexpect- 



66 LONtON ASSURANCE. fAc* t 

Sir H. No, not generosity, but simplj justxe, justice ! 

Grace. May I still beg a favour 1 

Sir H. Claim anything that is min.e to grant. 

Grace. You have been duped by Lady Gay Spanker, I 
have also been cheated and played upon by her and Mr. 
Hamilton — may I beg that the contract between us, may, 
£0 all appearances, be still held good ] 

Sir II. Certainly, although I confess I cannot see the 
point of your purpose. 

Enter Max, icith Young Courtly, \.. 

Max. Now, Grace, I have brought the lad. 

Grace. Thank you, uncle, but tbe trouble was quite ur; 
necessary — Sir Harcourt holds to his original contract. 

Max. The deuce he does ! 

Grace. And [ am willing — nay, eager, to become Ladj 
Courtly. 

Young C. [Aside.] The deuce you are ! 

Max. But, Sir Harcourt 

Sir II. One word, Max. for an instant. [77/e?/ 7'etirc^ l. 

Young C. [Aside.] What can thi'=^ mean 1 Can it be 
possible that I have been mistaken — that she is not in love 
with Augustus Hamilton ? 

Grace. Now we shall find how ho intends to bend the 
haucrhty Grace. 

Young C. Madam — Miss, I mean, — are you really in 
earnest — are you in love with ray father ? 

Grace. No, indeed I am not. 

Young C. Are you in love with any one else ? 

Grace. No, or I should not marry him. 

Young C. Then you actually accept him as your real 
Qusband ] 

Grace. In the common acceptation of the word. 

Young C. [Aside.] Hang me if I have not been a pretty 
fool ! [AIo2(d.\ Why do you marry him, if. you don't caro 
ftbont him ] 

Grace. To save my fortune. 

Young C. [Aside.] Mercenary, cold-hearted girl! [Aloud^ 
But if there be any one you love in the least— marry him, 
- were you never in love 1 

Grace. Never j 

Ycung C. [A-side.] Oh .' what an ass I've been ! \/ilfjvd^ 



LONDON AbGUKANXE. 67 

I heard Laay Gay mention something ab^ut a Mr Humil- 
ton. 

Grace, Ah, yes, a person who, after an acquaintance- 
ship of two days, had the assurance to make love to me, and 

Young C. Y"es, — you — Well 1 . 

Grace. I pretended to receive his attentions. 

Young C. [Aside.] \t was the best pretence I ever saw, 

Grace. An absurd, vain, conceited coxcomb, who appear- 
ed to imagine that I was so struck with his fulsome speech, 
that he could turn me round his finger. 

Young C. [Aside.] My very thoughts ! 

Grace. But he was mistaken. 

Young G. [Aside.] Confoundedly ! [Aloud.] Yet you 
seemed rather concerned about the mews of his death. 

Grace. His accident ? No, but 

Young C. But what ? 

Grace. [Aside.] What can I say ? [Aloud.] Ah ! but my 
maid Pert's brother is a post-boy, and I thought he migb^ 
have sustained an injury, poor boy. 

Young C. [Aside.] Damn the post-boy ! [Aloud.] Madam» 
jf the retention of your fortune be the plea on which you 
are about to bestow your hand on one you do not love, and 
whose very actions speak his carelessness for that inestima- 
ble jewel he is incapable of appreciating — know that I am 
devotedly, madly attached to you. 

Grace. You, sir ^ Impossible! 

Young C. Not at all, — but inevitable, — I have been so 
for a long time. 

Grace. Why, you never saw me till last night. 

Young C. I have seen you in imagination — you are the 
ideal I have worshipped. 

Grace. Since you press me into a confession, — 'which 
nothing but this could bring me to speak, — know, I did 
love poor Augustus Hamilton — 

Re-enter Max and Sir Harcourt. 

but he — he is — no — more ! Pray, spare me, sir. 

Young C. [Aside.] She loves ir.e ! And, oh ! what a si- 
tuation I am in ! — if I own I a'n the man, my governor 
will overhear, and ruin me — if i do not, she'll marry him. 
—What is to be done 1 



OC LONDON AStsURANCE fAcT tf 

E?iter Lady Gay, l. 

I^ad1/ Gay. Where have you put my Dolly 1 I have 
oeen lacing all round the house — tell me, is he quite dead ! 

Max. I'll have him brought in. \Exit^ l. 

Sir H. My dear madam, you must perceive this unfortu- 
nate occurrence was no fault of mine. I was compelled 
to act as I have done — I was willing to offer any apology, 
but that resource was excluded, as unacceptable. 

Lady Gay. I Imow — I know — 'twas 1 made him write 
that letter — there was no apology required — 'twas I that 
apparently seduced you from the paths of propriety : — 
'twas all a joke, and here is the end of it. 

Enter Max, 'Spanker, and Dazzle, l. 

Oh ! if he had but lived to say, *' I forgive you, Gay !" 

Span. So I do ! 

Lady Gay. [Seeing hi??i.] Ah ! he is alive ! 

Span. Of course 1 am ! 

Lady Gay. Ha ! ha ! ha ! [Embraces Jiim.] I will never 
hunt again — unless you wish it. Sell your stable 

Span. No, Tio — do what you like — say what you like for 
the future ! I find the head of a family has less ease and 
more responsibility than I, as a member, could have antici- 
pated. I abdicate ! 

Enter Cool, l. 

Sir H. Ah! Cool, here! [Aside to Cool.] You may de- 
stroy those papers — I have altered my mind, and 1 do not 
intend to elope at present. Where are they 1 

Cool. As you seemed particular. Sir Harcourt, I sent 
tnem off to London by mail. 

Sir H. Why, then, a fulUdescription of the whole affair 
v»'ill be published to-morrow. 

Cool. Most irretrievably ! 

Sir H. You must post to town immediately, and stop 
the press. 

Cool. Beg pardon — but they would see me hanged first 
Sir Harcourt, they don't frequently meet with such a pro- 
fitable lie. 

Servant I Without. \ No, sir! no, sir J 



§cm I.) LONDON ASSURANCE 69 

Enter Si]vrt>soN, l. 

Simpson. Sir, there's a gentleman, who calls himself Mr 
Solomon Isaacs, insists upon following me up. [Exit, l. 

Enter Mr. Solomon Isaacs, l. 

Isaacs. Mr. Courtly, you will excuse my performaace of 
a most disagreeable duty at any time, but more especially 
in such a manner. 1 must beg the honour of your con 
pany to town. 

Sir H. What! how! what for 1 

Isaacs. For debt, Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Arrested '? impossible ! Here must be soma 
mistake. 

Isaacs. Not the slightest, sir. Judgment has been given 
in five cases, for the last three months ; but Mr. Courtly is 
an eel rather too nimble for my men. We have been op 
his track, and traced him down to this village, with Mi 
Dazzle. 

Daz. Ah ! Isaacs ! how are you ? 

Isaacs. Thank you, sir. [Speaks to Sir'H.] 

Max. Do you know him 1 

Daz. Oh, intimately ! Distantly related to his family- 
same arms on our escutcheon — empty purse falling thro' 
a hole in a — pocket : motto, * Requiascet in pace' — which 
means, * Let virtue be its own reward.' 

Sir H. [To Isaacs.] Oh, I thought there was a mistake ! 
Know, to your misfortune, that Mr. Hamilton was the per- 
son you dogged to Oak Hall, between whom and my son 
a most remarkable likeness exists. 

Isaacs. Ha ! ha ! Know, to your misfortune, Sir Har 
court, that Mr. Hamilton and Mr. Courtly are one and the 
same person ! 

Sir H. Ch-arles ! 

Young C. Concealment is in vain — I am Augustus Ha- 
milton. 

Sir H. Hang me if I didn't think it all along ! Oh 
you infernc], cozening dog! ^ Cropses to him, 

Isaacs. Now, then, Mr. Hamilton 

Grace. Stay, sir — Mr. Charles Courtly is under age- 
ask his father. 

Sir H. Ahem ! — I won't — I won't pay a shilling of the 
rascal's debts — not a sixpence ! 



*^0 LONDON ASSURANCE. 



[ACT? 



Grace. Then I will — you may retire. [Exit IsaacSt l. 

Young C. I can now perceive the generous point of 
your conduct towards me ; and, believe me, I appreciate, 
and will endeavour to deserve it. 

Max. Ha ! ha ! Come, Sir Harcourt, you have been 
fairly beaten — you must forgive him — say you will. 

Sir H. So, sir, it appears you have been leading, covert- 
y, an infernal town life 1 

Young C. Yes, please, father. 

[Imitating blaster Charles. 

Sir II. None of your humbug, sir ! [^*i<^e.] He is my 
own son — how could I expect him to keep out of the 
fire ? [Aloud. \ And you, Mr. Cool !— have you been deceiv- 
ing me 1 

Cool. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, if your perception was played 
upon, how could I be expected to see ] [Exit, l. 

Sir H. Well, it would be useless to withhold my hand. 
There, boy ! [He gives his hand to Young Courtly. Grace 
zomes down on the other side and offers her hand ; he takes 
it.\ What is all this 1 What do you want % 

Young C. Your blessing, father. 

Grace. If you please, father. 

Sir H. Oho ! the mystery is being solved. So, so, you 
young scoundrel, you have been making love — under the 
rose. 

Lady Gay. He learnt that from you. Sir Harcourt. 

Sir II. Ahem ! What would you do now, if I were to 
withhold my consent? 

Grace. jDo without it. 

Max. The will says, if Grace marries any one but you, 
her property reverts to your heir-apparent — and there he 
stands. 

Lady Gay. Make a virtue of necessity. 

Span. I married from inclination, and see how happy I 
am. And if ever I have a son 

Lady Gay. Hush ! Dolly, dear ! 

Sir II. Well ! take her, boy ! Although you are too 
young to marry. ] They retire with Max, 

Lady Gay. Am I forgiven, Sir Harcourt ] 

Sir II. Ahem ! Why — a — [Aside.] Have you really 
deceived me ? 

Lady Gay. Can you not see through this 1 



e«;r>B I.J • LONDON ASSURANCE. 7l 

Sir IT. And you still love me 1 

Lady Gay. As much as I ever did. 

Sir H. [Is about to kiss her/iand, when Spanker intcrjtosts 
between.] A very handsome ving, indeed. 

Si)an. Very. \JPuts her arm in his, and they go up 

Sir II. Poor little Spanker ! 

Max. [Coming down, aside to Sir H.] One point I v/ish 
.o have settled. Who is Mr. Dazzle 1 

Sir H. A relative of the Spankers, he told me. 

Max. Oh, no, a near connexion of yours'. 

Sir H.' Never saw him before I came down here, in ali 
my life. [To Young Courtly.] Charles, who is Mr. Dazzle I 

Young C. Dazzle, Dazzle, — will you excuse an imper- 
tinent question 1 — but who the deuce are you ? 

Daz. Certainly, I have not the remotest idea. 

All. How, sir ] 

Daz. Simple question as you may think it, it would 
puzzle half the world to answer. One thing \ can vouch 
— Nature made me a gentleman — that is, I live on the 
best that can be procured for credit. I never spend my 
own money when I can oblige a friend. I'm always thick 
on the winning horse. I'm an epidemic on the traae of 
tailor. For further particulars, inquire of any sitting ma- 
gistrate. 

Sir H. And these are the deeds which attest your title 
to the name of gentleman 1 I perceive you have caught 
the infection of the present age. Charles, permit me, as 
your father, and you, sir, as his friend, to correct you on 
one point. Barefaced assurance is the vulgar substitute 
for gentlemanly ease; and there are many, who, by aping 
the vices of the great, imagine that they elevate themselvet 
to the rank of those, whose faults alone they copy. No ! 
sir. Tiie title of gentleman is the only one out of any mo- 
narch's gift, yet within the reach of every peasant. It 
should be engrossed by Truth — stamped with Honor — seal- 
ed with good-feeling — signed Man — and enrolled in eveiy 
true young iingliijh heart. 

THS END. 



Beautiful Woman, 



The world waa sad— the garden was a wild ; 
And Man the Hermit sighed, till Woman smiled. 



Who would not be Beautiful? Those who are beautiful by nature, can make 
themselves more bewitching with 

Kagan's Magnolia Bairn. 

Those who are not thus gifted can add greatly to their attractions by its use. 

Madame de Stael said she would gladly give up the power conferred by 
hei> inteUectual position, if she could thereby piirchase beauty. Throughout 
aU time Man has done homage to Beauty, and bestowed upon Beautiful Woman 
his hfe's devotion and adoration. 

Nature has not been so lavish of her gifts in this dii-ection, as some of the 
fair Daughters of Eve may desii-e. Many lack the first great essential of loveli- 
ness, a Pvesli and Blooiniiis; Coinplexioit. 

Withoiit it, all other beauties are marred ; with it, the plainest features soften 
into refinement and glow with loveliness. Hagan's Magnolia Balm produces this 
effect and gives to the Complexion the 

FRESHNESS OF YOUTH. 

If you wish to get rid of Redness, Blotcheiii, Pimples, etc., you should 
use this delightful article. 

It is what Actresses, Opera Singers and Ladies of fashions use to create that 
distingue appearance so much admired by every one. 

By its use the roughest skin is made to rival the pure radiant texture of 
Yoiitlifnl Beauty. 

Hagan's Magnolia Balm overcomes the flushed appearance caused by Ueat, 
fatigue and excitement, makes the eye look clear, full and bright, and 
Imparts a genial, lively expression to the countenance, indicating intellectual 
power and natural grace. 

Ladies exposed to the summer sun, or spring winds, causing Tan, Sunburn 
and Freclcles, wiU find this Balm of great value, as it removes these defects 
by a few applications. In fact this article is the great Secret ol Beauty; no 
Lady who values a Youtlilul appearance can do without it. 

It makes a Liady of Tliirty appear but T^venty; and so natural, 
gradual and perfect are its effects, that no person can detect its application. 

The Magnolia Balm transforms the Rustic Country Girl into a City BeUe, more 
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graceful rotundity and engaging plumpness, as well as a pearly 
blooming purity, which is ever the admiration of the opposite sex. When 
used upon the person it exhales a subdued fragrance, suggesting pure habits 
and a cultivated taste. 

The Magnolia Balm contains nothing in the least injui-ious to the skin. 

The patronage awarded the Magnolia Balm by fashionable ladies of New York, 
Opera Singers and Acti-esses, and its i-apidly growing demand, induces us to 
recommend it with unbounded confidence. It costs but T.'i Cents per bot- 
tle, and is sold by aU Druggists, Perfumers and General Stores. Originally pre- 
pared by Wm. E. Hagan, Tboy, N. Y. 

LYON MANUFACTURING CO., 

53 Broadway, New York. 



Lyon's Eat! 




014 386 516 2 



For Preserving and Beautifying <lie Hnntan Hair. To Pre- 
vent its Falling Out and Tnrning Gray. 

A well preserved Head of Hair, iu a person of middle age, at once bespeaks re- 
finement, elegance, health and beanty. It may truly be called Woman's Clown- 
ing Glory, while men are not insensible to its advantages and charma. Few 
things are more disgusting than thin, frizzly, harsh, untdmed Hair, -with head 
and coat covered with Dandruff. Visit a barber and you feel and look like a 
new man. ITiis is wh^t I-YON'S KATHAlROiV will do all the time. 
The chai-m which lies in well placed Hair, Glossy Curls, Luxuriant Tresses, 
and a Clean Head, is noticeable and iiTesistible. 

The Ladies, (who are the best judges of Avhat pertains to beauty and adorn- 
ment,) are getiiug to understand the value and importance of a fine Head of llair. 
Thus, we see that more and more attention is paid to the Cultui-e, Growth and 
Pi-eservation of the Hair by both sexes Women are not alone in the desire 
to improve their Tresses. 

Barber shops and hair dressing saloons multiply in number, and Ladies' hair 
dressing is fast becoming a fine art. 

And thus the demand for LYON'S KATHAIRON constantly increases, and 
every day adds new testimony to its very great value. 

Do you ask why ? For the following reasons : (More could be given, but these 
ought to be satisfactory to start with. ) 

Because it increa»ies ilie Gro-»vtli and Beauty of the Hair. 

Because it is a Deliglitfui Dressing. 

Because it Eradicates JJandrniT. 

Because i1 Prevents tlie Hair from Falling Out. 

Becau.se it Prevents t lie Hair from Turning Gray. 

Because it Keeps <lie Head Cool and heals Pimples. 

Because it gives the Hair a rich, soft, glossy appearance. 

The now widely celebrated Kathairon, was first discovered and introduced to 
the public in 184«, by Prof. £. Thomas Lyon, a graduate of Princeton College, 
N. J. The nsme is derived from the Greek, "Kaihro," or "Kathairo," signifying 
to cleanse, pm-ify, rejuvenate, or restore. The favor it has received and the 
Ijopalarity it has obtained, is unprecedented and incredible. It was found to be 
not only a lieautiftd Dressing for the Hair, but to act medicinally upon the head 
in cleansing it of Scurf and Dandrufi', and restoring Hair upon Bald Heads. 

Baldness is an American pecuharity so often witnessed, that many candidly 
suppose it consWvtwnal, hereditary, or a natural exhaustion of the powers of 
nature. It is frequently caused by wearing a too thick covering upon (he Head ; 
by sti'aining the Hair too hard in parting, and by neglecting to clean the Scalp 
I from Dandruff and other impurities. A free use of the Kathairon wiU entirely 
obviate this difficulty, as its cleansing and piuifying properties immediately 
remove all these impurities. We ai-e confident in saying that in every case (except 
where the Hair is entirely dead, which very seldom exists,^ a continued application 
of the Kathairon wilt restore the Hair to its former Strength and Vigor. 

To Prevent the Hair from coming out, USE LYOK'S KA- 
THAIRON. 

It is a most delightful Hair Dressing. 

It^eradicates scurf and dandruff. 

It keeps the head cool and clean. 

It makes the hair I'ich, soft and glossy. 

It prevents hair from turning gray and falling off. 

It restores hair upon prematm'e bald heads. 

The above is just what Lyon's Kathairon will do. It is pretty— it ii cheap- 
durable. It is hterally sold by the car-load, and yet its almost incredible demand 
is daily increasing, until there is hardly a country store that does not keep it, or a 
family that does not use it. AH Druggists sell it. Price, in large bottles, 60 cents. 

Lyon Manufacturing Co., New York. 



